I admit I was unaware that Fifty Shades of Grey had scored a movie deal, mostly because I devote a good deal of mental energy towards forgetting that I live in the same universe as that “book”.

But if I HAD known (after my initial weeping for the fate of the human race had subsided) I would have written it off as a one-time thing–an anomaly ….a horrible glitch within our otherwise sane and just reality. Surely a novel based on mother fracking Twilight erotic fanfic scoring a film deal is the kind of thing that couldn’t POSSIBLY happen twice in my lifetime, right?


Wrong. Now, yet another steaming piece of… literature that had its genesis as fap material for folks who get their jollies from sparkly blood drinkers will be adapted into a feature film: Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren (who is actually two people: Christina and Lauren….clever, huh?).

Usually I wouldn’t spew such venomous hatred at a book I’ve admittedly never read–but I have to make an exception here. Even writers of “good” fanfiction realize that it’s not fit for publication, and NOT because of the sexual content, but because even relatively competent erotic fanfic is pretty lame.

The rights to this atrocity were purchased by Constantin Films and Jeremy Bolt (producer of Resident Evil… There is no God).

No one knows when this Thing That Should Not Be will inflict itself upon us, but production probably won’t start until the studio sees how much scratch Fifty Shades of Suck pulls in.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a good, long cry.

Category: Film