jake johnson 3

To whom it may concern that screwed the pooch on this in an epic way:

How dare you? Where do you get the nerve? WTF?

These were the first things that came into my head on the day that joy died! You raped the future with this abortion of a casting selection! Did you not see Paycheck or Reindeer Games or Daredevil or THE THIRD WHEEL!!!???

There is NO DOUBT that Ben ShaftLick will D-E-S-T-R-O-Y the great Batman film legacy and I am a HUGE BATFAN! I see all the movies and read the comics when I was a kid. I used to have one of those batmobiles that drove itself across your coffee table if you pulled it back and let it go and I have a lot of friends (Twitter, Facebook, G+, and IRL mothafucka!) who are SO pissed at you guys because of this. Because they know that this poser is not Batman!

Holy S-H-I-T, one of Aff-y boy’s liberal good time buddies is George Clooney! George Clooney! George Clooney! George Clooney! He was the worst Batman, (Remember BAT NIPPLES!?!?!?!?!) He’s right up there with Val Kilmer (Who rocked it in Willow) and the guy from Gung Ho (WHO SUCKED SO HARD IN WHITE NOISE THAT THEY HAD TO GET NATHAN FILLION TO REPLACE HIM. HE’D BE A BETTER BATS TOO!!!!)

You people don’t know what you’re doing! Everyone knows that the best Batman would have been someone totally unknown with a killer bod who looks just like Batman does in the comics! Someone who is a badass that the chicks dig. Someone who guys are totally into on a total friend level. That’s BATMAN! Do you not read the comics?!?! Batman isn’t some skinny and old asshole!


BOOM! Check out those abs!

Also, Men HalfDick is an Episcopalian! Do you not check these things?! Batman is NOT an Episcopalian!

BitchFleck can’t act! He’s a terrible actor! and I don’t care if he has an Oscar. So does Marissa Tomei! Does that mean she could be Batman!?!?! NOOOOOOOOO, but she’d probably be better than AssFlick!

Also, hello! AffWRECK was in that shitty Patriot Games rip-off with Morgan Freeman, so I guess that means we won’t see Luscious Fox in this movie! He also used to date Pepper Potts and Elektra! And he played Christopher Reeve, so it’s like he was Superman! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT CANON!?!?! This isn’t the AMALGAM universe jackasses!

Also, I’ve read on Twitter that Ben BallLick might be gay. I don’t know if people mean he’s really gay or if they’re saying gay like, “He’s really stupid”. I like gay people. I fucking LOVED Will and Grace, so I’m not a bigot, but Batman is super straight and into banging chicks like Kim Basinger and Catwoman (but not Halle Berry, and that’s not a race thing. Batman would just say NO TO DA HO cause she was so freakin terrible in that movie and in a lot of others. She’s pretty hot though.)

Listen, it’s okay. We will ALL understand if you change your minds. We’ve all been there. Sometimes mistakes happen and I’m sure you were all like, “Christopher Nolan is gone and he took that no chinned loser with him. I don’t want to shit my pants, but we need a new Batman like NOW!!!”



But the more important thing is you picking right. Fire CrapLeck and replace him with somebody awesome like the guy from Machete (who kicks unbelievable amounts of ass) or Jeffrey Renner. He was AWESOME in that movie with the vampires and that hot chick who was totally his sister that he totally wanted to bang!

That’s Batman! Not Bend CatFuck, the douchetard that found a way to make not 1, but 2 Michael Bay movies suck and one of those movies had animal crackers in Liv Tyler’s underwear!




This article is a work of parody inspired by the ridiculous “nerd-rage” that has accompanied this casting announcement for a film that is two years away. That people aren’t picking up on that on their own would seemingly indicate how common legitimate rants like this are. And ain’t that a shame?  

Category: Film, WTF?

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