Hello, and welcome to another terrifyingly titillating (because we’re all about sexually confusing you) installment of Ask the Bastards, the feature where you, the readers, get to ask us, the writers of Nerd Bastards, anything you want about your favorite nerdy topics. This week we’ve got a rather diverse crop of queries, ranging from the latest Marvel Comics event to books we’d like to see on the big screen to who we’d like to play us in a movie (No really, someone actually asked that, and strangely not one of us said Benedict Cumberbatch.). Plus, we’re talking Star Wars VII (because really, who isn’t?), long distance comics fandom, Batman’s crotchal region and a whole lot more (No, I’m not going to spell it moar, because that’s idiotic…damn it, I did it anyway, didn’t I? Can I go to bed now?).

For those of you who’ve never done this before, it works like this: Every time we’re getting ready to launch an Ask the Bastards installment, we’ll send out the call for questions on Facebook and Twitter. Be sure you’re following us at both of those places, then wait for your time to shine and ask any nerdy question you’d like of us. We”ll do the rest. And if you’re curious what we’ve answered before, you can browse the Ask the Bastards archive HERE.

Jan Michael Rempt: What do the bastards think of the Infinity crossover so far?

I think like a lot of big comic book crossovers it is was it is. A lot of build-up, too many books to follow, a lot of deeply convoluted backstory from months and years of teasing and details only accessible to hardcore fans. Of course, Thanos having a son is a cool detail, but a bit Maury Povich as we’re forced to ask the inevitable question, who is Thanos’ baby mama? – Adam A. Donaldson

Jason Koppel: What book, that already hasn’t been turned into a movie, would you pick to have turned into one?

Jack Campbell’s The Lost Fleet. It’s a great military space battle series with an interesting twist. Any of the books on this list would also fit the bill. – Mark Poynter

The Kama Sutra. Make it… with puppets. Naughty, bendable puppets whose carnal urges can’t be slowed by silly things like self-respect. – Jason Tabrys

Stranger In A Strange Land; Heinlein’s a tad sexist and homophobic in places, but the story is strong, and I believe it would translate well to the big screen…That is, if a way could be found around the copious, non-erotic nudity. – James P. Daniels

When I first read S.G. Browne’s Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament I could instantly visualize the movie in the my mind. This was long before our culture became so zombie obsessed, by now virtually zapping all the fun out of the genre, but Breathers is able to put an interesting and darkly funny spin on such a tired storytelling scenario. Here’s its basic premise: in a world where zombies aren’t a terror but are rather begrudgingly incorporated into our society, albeit with less rights than household pets, Andy must come to terms with his new life as an Undead American. He attends Undead Anonymous meetings, lives with his resentful parents, and even begins exploring a relationship with fellow zombie and UA member, Rita.

The book is laugh out loud funny, told through Andy’s voice which is full of thoughtful and often biting (pun 100% intended) commentary on the sorry state of his fellow zombie citizens. The parallels between the experiences of the undead and any marginalized, disenfranchised sect of society are obvious, but no less eye-opening. And in fact, there is supposedly a movie adaptation of Breathers in the works but there’s hasn’t been much news on that for ages. Either way, I couldn’t recommend the book enough.

And Jason, I’d only accept a movie version of The Kama Sutra with puppets if Matt Stone and Trey Parker were involved. – Sarah Moran

I’m a big fan of Austin Grossman’s Soon I Will Be Invincible, a clever and insightful look into the superhero genre through the eyes of Fatale, a cybernetic superheroine, and Dr. Impossible, a super-villainous scientific genius in the vein of Dr. Doom. it combines the superhero dysfunction of Watchmen with the typical tropes and themes of the Justice League, while being somewhat lighter in tone. If you liked The Incredibles, this is worth checking out. In fact, it’s almost surprising that this hasn’t be made into a movie already. – Adam A. Donaldson

I don’t read often, but when I do, it’s because of books like Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. RPO is a nerdtastic novel that reawakens feelings of 80s geek culture. Incredibly full of video game, TV show, and overall pop culture references from that era. Even if you don’t get the references, it’s fast paced, exciting read! A fantastic story that is filled with gripping turns and twists, fun dialogue and originality. One of my favorite reads of all time!

This book is really a look at what a Massively Multiplayer Online Game (MMO) would look like with virtual reality. As such, it would make for an excellent movie! Thrilling experience for ’80s fans and video game fans through a virtual immersion treasure hunt? Come on, ’80s geek culture is always a good thing. I want this book to be a movie! – Luke Gallagher

We’re living in a time when young adult genre fiction is being optioned left and right. If that’s the state of things, I’d like someone to take notice of Daughter of Smoke and Bone, a weird, creepy and wildly inventive fantasy by Laini Taylor. – Matthew Jackson

Matthew Smedley: What would the Bastards want to see in the new Star Wars movie?

Puppet fucking. – Jason Tabrys

I’d like to see a nod to those among the SW fandom who followed the post-ROTJ story in the EU novels: Throw in a Timothy Zahn or Kevin J. Anderson character, maybe….Just something to show us they appreciate our continued loyalty, even back when no one thought a 7th film could ever be made. – James P. Daniels

George Lucas in carbonite – Luke Gallagher

Anything that isn’t cheap-looking CGI or overly-complicated plot points that take away from the simple, adventurous spirit of the original Star Wars. – Sarah Moran

Sarah and I are on the same page, what I will add is that I want storytelling that doesn’t seem like a complicated flashback with a lot of padding. George Lucas himself said that 60 per cent of the story was in Episode III, and the other 40 per cent was spread in Episodes I and II. Call me old-fashioned, but I happen to think that a movie should have 100 per cent of the story you want to tell, and so should Episode VII. – Adam A. Donaldson

I will build on what James said and give you a three word answer: Grand. Admiral. THRAWN. – Matthew Jackson

Kieran O’Hare: Who would you get to play you in a movie about your life?

I pretty sure I wouldn’t rate more than an After School Special. – Mark Poynter

Puppet. – Jason Tabrys

Wallace Shawn, 20 years ago…with hair. – James P. Daniels

Keira Knightley. Though, she’d need an even bigger boob job than the one they photo-shopped on her for the poster of King Arthur. – Sarah Moran

I’d have to go with Brett Dalton, the guy who’s playing Agent Grant Ward on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. right now. He’s got some sweet moves, he’s handsome as all hell, and he knows how to work his mojo with the ladies. None of that resembles me, but we have similar haircuts. -Brent Cook

I’m not sure. I tell you one thing, though, the actor playing me would have to have one magnum sized, throbbing, eye widening, panty dropping… personality. What, did you think I was going to say something else? Oh, I dunno, any funny, charming, loveable fat guy would do. Kevin James, Patton Oswalt,  or Tyler Labine (Sock from the show Reaper). Side mental note: must become closer friends with Sarah Moran, the power of boobies compels you. – Luke Gallagher

I’d be an animated character, voiced by Sam Elliott. – Matthew Jackson

Thomas J. Sproson: I must have the most boring question ever. Alright, how often do you guys turn up to work as the Justice League?

If we ever did have an office to meet in, I think this kind of thing would happen most often:

tumblr_ktylglrCQQ1qzw4l4o1_500Mark Poynter

We don’t have an office. I’ve never met any of these people and I’m not entirely convinced that this whole thing isn’t just one big Catfish scam. – Jason Tabrys

AS the Justice League? What makes you think we’re NOT the Justice League? – James P. Daniels

Me? I never “turn up” for work. I just sit in The Watchtower munching on cookies like Martian Manhunter. – Sarah Moran

There’s an open invite to all NB staffers to come and party with me. Sadly, no one has come. I’m THAT kid sitting at the table wearing a Batman costume with cake, balloons and favors laid out, but there’s nothing but empty seats around me. My head peaks up every time I hear a car drive by.  Ultimate sad face. – Luke Gallagher

I’m pretty sure Luke is always dressed like Aquaman and just never tells anyone. I’m also pretty sure Jason is a 93-year-old woman from Wyoming who makes money by making videos of herself sitting on bratwurst. – Matthew Jackson

John Bruce: Have you ever felt that your just feeding nerd-rage about a topic?

I don’t think so, but I really don’t give any thought to how something will be perceived when I’m writing it. I’ve been surprised that some things have inspired “nerd-rage”, but such is life. – Jason Tabrys

Every now and then it’s occurred to me that a subject, or part of a subject that I’m writing about is going to be contentious–but that hasn’t stopped me yet.  I do not consider a reader’s “Nerd Rage” threshold to be my problem. I don’t bait my readers deliberately, but I’m not going to censor myself just because something I’m writing might get someone’s knickers in a twist. – James P. Daniels

Nerd rage really isn’t the kind of thing that needs to be fed, and trying to deliberately starve with what you write (or don’t write) doesn’t help at all. See all the people who just decided to yell at Damon Lindelof on Twitter after watching Breaking Bad last Sunday. He didn’t provoke anyone that night. They just turned up. Nerd rage appears out of nowhere, like Nightcrawler but much more annoying. – Matthew Jackson

Danny Weinberg: Does batman wear undies under his suit?

I’m sure Alfred wouldn’t let him out of the Batcave without a clean pair. – Mark Poynter

I guess. But I’ll tell ya what I miss is when Batman wore his undies on the outside of his suit. Damn you, New 52! – Sarah Moran

Superhero tights cause major wedgies. That’s why superheroes wear their undies on the outside. – Adam A. Donaldson

Bruce Wayne strikes me as a guy who’d go tactical and rock a pair of compression shorts under his gear, but really, that’s just good sense. – Brent Cook

Batman is all about preparation, so I’m pretty sure he’s got a catheter and an adult diaper under there, just in case. – Matthew Jackson

Scott Baker: Here’s a serious question. What is a good way to get comics (DC and Marvel in my case) when you live a long way from a comic/book store? I would like to get crossovers to other series/comics as well when they occur. I have considered subscriptions and electronic.

I enjoy going to my local shops so I’ve never had the need to use a subscription service. This CBR forum posting might help point you in the right direction. Unless a fellow Nerd Bastard has a go-to service. – Mark Poynter

I hear that Mile High Comics has a good service. I went digital last year and I couldn’t be happier. I miss going to my shop, but I found that I would buy paper books and forget that I had them. You can’t beat the convenience of ComiXology. It’s also a lot easier to discover new, indie comics that a lot of local shops don’t carry. – Jason Tabrys

I also definitely suggest the switch to digital, and in that case it’s Comixology all the way. Sure, I too lament the passing of the brick and mortar shops, but the convenience, the price, and the saving on space makes digital all the more appealing. And especially if you’re not already loyal to a local shop (something that guilts me every time I shop digitally). – Sarah Moran

Digital is certainly a way to go if you don’t mind not having the physical books. It’s instant and easy. If you want the physical books, Mile High is a good way to go, as are shops like Midtown and Things From Another World. They’ll usually let you pre-order and subscribe so the books show up faster, but there are shipping costs to consider. I wouldn’t go the subscription route directly from the publishers, though. I tried that once with a DC book, and I didn’t get the comic until at least a week after it was released, sometimes a good deal more, and I was told by customer service that they don’t even consider the book to be late until it’s been at least a month since the release. – Matthew Jackson

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