Wahlberg fear

Future Transformers star and all around dream boat Mark Wahlberg has finally been chosen to join the illustrious and high stakes world of reality television.

In the show, Wahlberg will not drive across the country to hold auditions for perspective Funky Bunch 2.0 members for an upcoming double bill world tour with the K-Fed/Brian Austin-Green rap super-group SpearFox.

Wahlberg’s reality show will also not be called, “Here’s How I Would Have Made History Better”, and it will not show Wahlberg participating in tasteless re-enactments of some of human histories most horrible tragedies before explaining how he would have heroically saved the day from Tojo’s attack on Pearl Harbor, the Nazis, the Black Plague, the Challenger explosion, the LA Riots, and other like events with his punches and wicked street smarts.

Instead, Wahlberg’s show will be called Wahlburgers, and it will chronicle his family’s struggle to start a hamburger restaurant in Boston because you can’t expect to live off of Ted sequels forever. 

The show will debut next year on January 22nd on A&E, which used to stand for Arts and Entertainment, but now stands for three separate shows about storage auctions, informing viewers about the proper amount of dead freezer cats that they should have in their homes (the answer is zero), and stuff like this.


Here’s a bit of information on what this show will be from a press release that I found on a website before commanding my mouse with my finger, highlighting the relevant parts, right clicking and selecting the word “copy”, and then coming back here to right click again and select the word “paste”.

The youngest of nine siblings, Mark and Donnie are no strangers to being in the spotlight. Now it’s older brother Paul’s turn to shine as he takes on the challenges of running a burger joint that touts the family name. Even with his brothers’ full support, this proves no easy task as he gets caught up in a whirlwind of bustling kitchens, an impending expansion and everything in between. The chef and restaurateur is careful to capture the flavor of their Dorchester home in every aspect of the restaurant.

At the heart of the family, and the chaos, is the matriarch of the Wahlberg clan, Alma. The mother who has seen it all is still the apple of her sons’ eyes. The battle to be her favorite is constant among the men who don’t make any big decisions without their mother’s backing. She isn’t afraid to step in and speak her mind and when she does, everyone listens.

Never far from the action is Mark and Donnie’s original entourage, Johnny “Drama” Alves and Henry “Nacho” Laun. These childhood pals are not reluctant to take advantage of old friendships, especially when it comes to a free burger. Also from the old neighborhood is Mark’s childhood friend, and former partner-in-crime, Billy Leonard who is by his side when he’s in town and keeps him up-to-date when he’s not.

In the city that witnessed the family’s rags-to-riches story become a reality, all eyes are on the Wahlbergs who are determined to make the restaurant a success in Boston and beyond. Now they just have to agree on a second location.

What say you, Fuck Faces (everyone else always calls you Bastards, I thought I’d kick it up a notch), will Wahlburgers be under-cooked or will it have all the emotional toppings that audiences want to shove down their fat throats while wasting away in front of a glowing box that only gives them the illusion of an escape from pain and loneliness?

Source: The Futon Critic and Reading Rainbow, for teaching me to read good.

Category: TV

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