Right now, we are caught in that lackadaisical time between Christmas and New Years Eve — December’s perineum, if you will — and during that time we are duty bound to justify our existence and mine for web traffic by pausing for a moment of reflection on the year that was. And so, this year as a direct result of that mandatory reflective period, we have complied the most important listicle of the year — a listicle about listicles that also features its own lists! It’s Listageddon! It’s Listapalooza!
Oh yes, this list of lists with other lists has every list your pig eyes could ever want to see in a list! Movie lists, meme lists, dildo lists, knit lists, Alan Thicke lists, a podcast list, and a pie list that will buckle your knees! Yes, it’s a veritable cheese wheel of pop culture and a bunch of other nerdy geeky dorkaliscious dweeberific nerdgasmy geekilingus dogshit for you to sift through while you sit on a toilet, play fantasy soccer, or do whatever it is that you do while reading these articles. List!
Warning: Clutch your pearls, there’s some adult material and a fuck-ton of cursing in this article.
1. The 10 Nerdiest Movies of 2013
No one expected this year to rival the previous one — the one filled with the mighty Avengers, the last of the Nolan Bat-films, and an all new Spidey — and it certainly wasn’t helped by the thunder thief that is 2015 with all of its looming world beaters and their buzz fallout; but amazingly 2013 was a grand year for “nerd” cinema thanks to a few original sci-fi epics, some bold comic book movies, and a couple of adroit indie wowers.
Here’s the 10 best nerdy films of 2013 and the ones that didn’t make it.
The Top Ten Nerdy Films of 2013 (in alphabetical order): Elysium, Ender’s Game, Gravity, Iron Man 3, John Dies at the End, Pac Rim, This is the End, The Wolverine, The World’s End, Zero Charisma
The Just Missed List: Thor – The Dark World, Oblivion
The Purposeful Omissions: Man of Steel, Star Trek into Darkness, Kick Ass 2, Riddick
The Unseen Possible/Probable Gems: The Hunger Games – Catching Fire, The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug
We’re going to take you behind the curtain for a moment: last winter, we went to an adult trade show but failed to file a story because there wasn’t much to write about, save for a vendor hand in a vibrating glove that lingered on my bitch tit for 3 seconds longer than proper. The above list accomplishes what we did not, though, in that it showcases a few hot and trendy playthings for the discerning adult without falling into a fit of giggles.
Warning: the link might be considered NSFW if your employer is the type to be put off by a picture of a rubber cock filled shelving unit or details on a dissolving flavor strip that makes the Christmas wish of peppermint jizz a refreshing reality. Fucking puritans.
This list from Time has all the new classics like Twerking, Sharknado, The Harlem Shake, and Manti Teo’s fake girlfriend, but it missed out on some of the deep cuts like Douglas Fairbanking, wrecking balling, un-plugged toaster boxing*, and dwarf plinko.
*= Don’t try these. Wrecking balls should only be operated by nude teenage pop stars that come from mulleted stock and toasters are for browning bread and dancing to Jackie Wilson.
People like pie. Personally, I think they’re overrated — especially Apple Pie. I’m a cake man. Maybe a nice strudel if I’m feeling Germanic, but that’s a bit too close to pie for me.
You can’t go wrong with a black and white cookie, a donut, or even the donut/croissant amalgamation that has become a black market baked good delight.
5. Top 3 Thicke of the Night Clips Available on YouTube
Before he was a TV dad, Alan Thicke was a short-lived late night wild man on Thicke of the Night (get it? You do). The show only ran for about half a year — for which it attained a small amount of infamy — and I’ve only seen about a dozen clips on YouTube because that half of a year occurred in 1983, but from what I’ve seen, it seems like the show was trying to find a mid-range between Letterman’s Late Night and Carson’s Tonight Show. This is also the show that is partially responsible for Arsenio Hall, so it’s got that going for it.
Topical Grenada humor, Arsenio Hall’s concerns about Gloria Steinem, and show me that smile again, it’s Playboy Playmate’s running up and down stairs to fetch laundry.
The mad composer, Frank Zappa, stops by to visit Jason Seaver, Arsenio Hall’s pleather collection, and late night’s one and only sectional.
The mud wrestling isn’t the draw here, it’s all about Thicke staying above the fray, challenging Joan Rivers to a roll in the mud after offering up this note about sprucing up the sport a bit: “They might just give the mud wrestling a little size and importance if they put some classical music over it.”
Honorable mention: Richard Belzer has the moves like Jagger.
Solid list, though is it fair to not include the sex toy list when talking about gadgets?
I’m curious about the Chromecast with its ability to morph any TV into a smart TV, but it seems like that’s a product that is born to go extinct as smart TVs become the norm. I haven’t been dazzled by the PS4 and the Xbox One so far, so a tie for 2nd strikes me as odd, though I suppose they have to grade with commercial impact in mind, and these products will have that as people jump to a new generation that doesn’t seem to be that much better than the one that they are leaving. I like big, bold tech advances — the sci-fi stuffs that offer a lot of promise but little practical application right now. For me, the Leap Motion and something approaching a personal 3D printer should be much higher, but those aren’t going to impact people’s lives like the other three are, at least not right now.
Carpenter’s list isn’t filled with long exhortations about his selections. I don’t even agree with his choices, really, but it’s John Carpenter and he’s talking about gaming at a time when — more than ever before — it feels like filmmakers and game designers are borrowing from each other. So that is pretty cool.
8. Top 10 Justin Bieber Tweets Since Early December 2013.
I am without skill when it comes to crafting, but if you are not similarly cursed, this BuzzFeed list with details on how to make an Atari Joystick Lamp, Floppy Disk Planters, Pac Man Corkboard, and more may come in handy.
Unsurprisingly, The AV Club brings it with all of their pop culture lists. Really, their comic list, TV list, film list, game list, and book list are also must read, but their podcast list really shines if non-indie podcasts are your thing (and if indie casts are your thing, hello, here is our podcast).
I’ll risk public shaming and admit that I think Welcome to Nightvale is totally overrated, but for the most part, the rest of the list entries fit in well, particularly Marc Maron’s WTF podcast/chat show (and by the way, Thinky Pain was the best comedy special that I saw this year and it is on Netflix) and Dan Harmon’s hillarious Harmontown.
So there it is, the greatest list of all time. For now, we hope it entertains you, but in the future, hopefully this list makes it onto other lists and so on.