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What horrors Leonardo Dicaprio will be dreaming about from now until forever.

The Oscars is one of the best parties in the business. If you’re not in the business, well, it’s just a bunch of millionaires honoring themselves with gold statues. Little condescending ain’t it? Still, the world is compelled to watch. Whether we truly appreciate the acknowledgment of Hollywood’s most deserving, or just have some bets to win, our fascination with the award show is ever present.

If you’re not into all the glitter, glam, and pretentiousness, but want to know just enough to make small talk at the water cooler, Nerd Bastards has got you covered. Here’s the fastest and perhaps laziest post Oscar recap. It’s 2am and we want Tacos, what do you expect from us?

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Host Ellen Degeneres kept it loose.  She ordered Pizza for everyone (not props, real pizza delivery guy) and broke the record for most retweeted selfie on Facebook (pictured above, 1 million retweets an under an hour).

Jared Leto may have won for Best Supporting Actor but his hair was the real winner, seriously it might has well have been a shampoo commercial.

Lupita Nyong’o won for Best Supporting Actress and made such a earnest acceptance speech, saying ” When I look down at this golden statue, may it remind me and every little child that your dreams are valid.” It will be the talk of the week.

U2 sang, an no one could care less.

Leave it to Bill Murray to honor Harold Ramis with an unscripted mention, and for yanking the shit out of Amy Adams. When Bill Murray asks you to follow him, you follow.

The Desolation of Smaug got nominated for several sound awards but all the presenters kept mispronouncing Smaug. Remember, every time you mispronounce Smaug Peter Jackson makes another Hobbit movie. Speaking of verbal blunders John Travolta introduced singer Idina Menzel but completly butchered her name. Dammit Travolta, you had one job!

Disney fans can rejoice as Frozen won best animated picture and original score.  Composer Robert Lopez has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony, apparently known as “EGOT”. Basically, If this we were talking a boy/girl scouts awards satchel, his would be full.

Alfonso Cuaron won for Best Director with Gravity and made us all want to learn Spanish with his acceptance speech.

Cate Blanchett won for best actress. Told Julia Roberts to suck it and proceeded to say words about how woman as center in films are not a novelty.

Leo was foiled again, as Matthew McConaughey won best actor. Who babled on about god for far too long before calling it a night with his famous “Alright, alright, alright” schtick.

And oh yeah, 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture. Congratulations, we’re not all racists. Gravity practically took everything else, and it was heavy.

And for all the other awards that were given out while the Walking Dead was on, here’s the full winner run down:

Best Picture – 12 Years A Slave
Best Actress in a Leading Role – Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Best Actor in a Leading Role – Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Best Director – Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity
Best Actress in a Supporting Role – Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave
Best Actor in a Supporting Role – Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Best Original Screenplay – Her, written by Spike Jonze
Best Adapted Screenplay – 12 Years a Slave, screenplay by John Ridley
Best Animated Feature Film – Frozen
Best Documentary Feature – 20 Feet From Stardom
Best Foreign Language Film – The Great Beauty (Italy)
Best Visual Effects – Gravity, Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, Dave Shirk and Neil Corbould
Best Film Editing – Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón and Mark Sanger
Best Cinematography – Gravity, Emmanuel Lubezki

Best Costume Design – The Great Gatsby, Catherine Martin
Best Makeup and Hairstyling – Dallas Buyers Club, Adruitha Lee and Robin Mathews
Best Production Design – The Great Gatsby, Catherine Martin (Production Design) and Beverley Dunn (Set Decoration)
Best Sound Mixing – Gravity, Skip Lievsay, Niv Adiri, Christopher Benstead and Chris Munro
Best Sound Editing – Gravity, Glenn Freemantle
Best Original Score – Gravity, Steven Price
Best Original Song – “Let It Go,” Frozen, music and lyric by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez
Best Animated Short Film – Mr. Hublot, Laurent Witz and Alexandre Espigares
Best Live-Action Short Film – Helium, Anders Walter and Kim Magnusson
Best Documentary Short Subject – The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life, Malcolm Clarke and Nicholas Reed

Category: Film, TV

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