Apparently, Tim Allen is part Viking.

According to Deadline, Sony has shelled out a million dollars to buy a script called Winter’s Knight from people who have never sold a script before. The script is an origin story about the fictional viking adventures of Santa Claus, as opposed to the very real, urine soaked adventures of a mall Santa Claus. The writer’s names are Ben Lustig and Jake Thornton and everyone else at Starbucks working on their shitty scripts can SUCK IT!The script is based on the book The Life And Adventures Of Santa Claus by L. Frank Baum. That book was published in 1902, meaning Baum’s work is now public domain and his compensation will come from the hearty acknowledgement of bloggers and other word slingers as they report this story. Well done, ghost of the guy who wrote The Wizard of Oz, Wicked is amazeballs and I am on something called a computer that was made out of black magic and cheap parts from China. It has a modern day abacus inside of it and it brings me ALL of the breast pictures.

Winter’s Knight is going to be directed by Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg who previously helmed Kon Tiki, which is one of those independent films that smart people like, so we should all nod our heads slowly like we saw it and know what it is.

Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg are also set to direct the pilot for Netflix’s Marco Polo, which Deadline says is one of the “most expensive TV pilots in history”, though I don’t personally understand how a show about a pool and two guys can cost that much money to make.

So, are we buying this? Despite the age of the source material, the fear is that Winter’s Knight might embrace the undeniable kitsch factor of Father Christmas swinging a battle ax at a bunch of Goblins from the naughty list because action figures and Comic-Con, turning this story into a big dumb action movie on par with Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. That’s highly possible, but this could also turn into a well honed epic saga that feels more like an episode of Game of Thrones. Right now,  it’s far too early to know which is the more likely scenario.

What I do know, is that Hollywood is busting its nut on viking Santa while my script for a remake of The Night the Reindeer Died rots on the vine despite a soft implied commitment from Lee Majors. Personally, ████████████*.

*Humor redacted.

Source: Deadline

Category: Film