this one first

Now it all makes sense.

In true ‘Revenge Of The Nerds’ fashion, the meek must work hard to make it in a world full of oppressors. In some cases, if you’re ridiculed or treated like a dork throughout your childhood, bitterness and spite will power your determination to make the usurpers pay. It’s all about change for the better. Maybe change your name? Hit the gym relentlessly. Get plastic surgery. Most people just put their best feet forward and force their futures into financially awesome dream lives. And sadly, too many fall by the wayside and let their shortcomings define them forever. Emperor Palpatine’s rise to ruthless dictatorship must have been as unswerving as the abuse he had to have taken growing up. In short, bullies are to blame for the Dark Side’s undaunted reign. All because the future Sith Lord…had a stupid first name.


Sheev. His goddam name is Sheev.

Melvins of the world take note! You too can take over an entire galaxy in retaliation for years of bullshit wedgies and wet willies. Are you listening, Seymour?? Put down the damn Dungeons and Dragons manual, call Herman up on your stupid walkie talkie, and you two devise a plan for revenge against that asshole that stuffed you in those lockers yesterday! And last week. And every day of September! Your role model has made it very clear that it’s totally okay to go WAY FREAKIN’ OVERBOARD when it comes to comeuppance.


Why not Fangard? Or Brandil? Or Yog? The guy has been around forever and I find it so weird that we’ve never gone first name on him. Now I see why, but still. Who the hell’s idea was this? As much as I’d like to handle this like an adult, I think I’ll just leave it to i09 to explain the deal here.

“A panel for the recent release of ‘Star Wars: A New Dawn’ at NYCC revealed the name would début in Tarkin, a new book due out next month by James Luceno. However, it seems a user over at Wookieepedia has nabbed an early review copy of the novel and found out Palpatine’s name – allegedly found on page 93 of the novel, according to the source.”

Where ya goin’ Sheeeeeev? Over to your mom’s house to play with wamprat poodoo?? Whatcha got there, Sheeeeeeev? A speeder bike tech manual? Let me see that – whoops! Dropped it in a Sarlacc Pit! Now get your trash compactor face back to the Coruscant slums where you belong before I shove death sticks up your ass!


But come on guys, let’s be real here. Why wouldn’t his name be ridiculous? This is a universe where the moniker “Luke” is probably as normal as you’re gonna get. So it shouldn’t surprise us that everyone else gets death sticks in the ass. Porkins couldn’t have gone through Rebellion training completely unscathed. Especially since he was fat. He was a fat guy named Porkins, and you can bet the house, and everyone in it that he loved Endorian ham.

Kit Fisto sounds like he could run a sex house with one particularly deviant feature as its theme. And Yaddle? Why. The. Hell. Not. kick the shit out of somebody named “Yaddle?”

Ohhhhh George Lucas, you magnificent moron. How your nerdy ass can see us, the fans, as the abusers you’ve grown up to torment, I’ll never ever know.

Via – Wookiepedia

Category: Books, Film

Tags: ,