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MAY HERO

A friend of mine goes around being bummed out a lot because his sister sleeps around all the time. I told him to just be cool about it because she is who she is, and everyone has to accept that. A long time ago, I understood that you can’t change people or ask them to be something different than they are. That’s why it doesn’t surprise me in the least that word is going around about the morons at Sony developing an a Spider-Man’ movie spinoff starring Peter Parker’s Aunt May. You just gotta let a clown be a clown, and Sony’s just a bunch of clowns. Now, this comes from a Latino Review Exclusive, so take it with a grain of salt. But it’s being reported everywhere, so I’m thinking it’s real. Sadly real.

SALLY MAY“Oh Sony…please don’t”

Remember that time Sally Field costarred in the Spider-Man reboot and acted so dope she blew the doors off the place? You know, that time when Aunt May’s character was so freakin’ popular that fans were beating down Sony’s door, demanding she get her own film? You don’t remember that time? Me either, but somebody does. Hablame, amigos! :

“Yes, an Aunt May movie. A movie about Aunt May as a youth, before she was shouldered with the responsibility of raising Peter Parker. The target mood is some sort of espionage story in the vein of AMC’s Mad Men, which sounds like a way of saying “classier Agent Carter” without name-dropping Marvel’s upcoming series.

But the whole point here is that I NOT mention Marvel, because Sony isn’t giving up the Spider-Verse before they make an attempt at a movie based on the completely fabricated past of May Parker. Well, the espionage part is fabricated.

Marvel, sorry for the name drop Sony, released a Mark Millar-penned romance mini-series in 2003 called ‘Trouble’ that they thought would be the new origin of Spider-Man. It featured teenage versions of Aunt May, Uncle Ben, Richard and Mary Parker. Through a convoluted series of events, May gets teen-pregnant by Richard but gave up baby Peter to Mary who takes the secret of Peter’s true parentage to her grave.”

That ‘Trouble’ series was pure shit, and Marvel is to blame for that one. It depicted May as a “wildchild,” but I’m calling it like it see it: skank. Here’s a shot of young, horny May waving a condom at Ben Parker.

SLUT MAY

These are some covers for the series. The top one has a red-headed May and blond Mary primping for a night out. Spider-Man’s mom had an incredible rack.

mary and may

It was failed attempt at trying to revive 1950’s romance comics, so let’s look at this in black and white: Sony wants to base its new project on something that sucked. That’s who’s in charge. Making millions while I sit around with my thumb in my ass, working for quarters, some douchebags in an ivory tower think this movie’s a good idea. Aunt May was never a badass. That woman was wholesome and sweet until stupid ‘Trouble’ gave her a slutty background. She was never a freakin’ spy. May never could fight – look at her moves for God’s sake!

use it or

You can’t serve tea while shooting at Russians! And you can’t whore them to death either! Sony, do you know the difference between you and a court jester with his head up his ass? Well, the court jester sure would.

Via – Latino Review

Category: Comics, Film, WTF?

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