Springfield, the capital of the great State of Illinois. It was the place Abraham Lincoln came to in 1831 to being his law practice and later his political career, sitting in the legislature there as part of the General Assembly. Of course, Lincoln is not the only great Springfieldianite to contribute positively to the fabric of American society. The Flower City was also home to Civil War general and later President Ulysses S. Grant, founder of General Foods Marjorie Merriweather Post, and the famed frontman for Morris Day and the Time Morris Day. But now the reputation of the City of Springfield is forever tarnished as Mayor J. Michael Houston has given the keys to the city to Cobra Commander. Yes, that Cobra Commander.

Of course, Houston wasn’t really gifting the love and loyalty of Springfield on the beloved fictional terrorist, it’s all part of a promotion for JoeCon, a convention celebrating all things G.I. Joe, which is taking place in Springfield from April 9 to 12. “Springfielders near and far, I accept your Mayor’s generous gift,” said the snake-obsessed despot in a statement. “And let it be known that I too bring a gift for every man, woman and child of this city that is so near and dear to my heart; an invitation to join with me. Join Cobra!”

Of course Cobra has had a long-standing obsession with “The Home of Abraham Lincoln.” They tried to take it over. Twice. Once on the original animated series and once in the Marvel comic book written by Larry Hama. Maybe the tourism industry in Springfield is tough these days, or maybe Mayor Houston is just relieved that Cobra Commander is coming to talk G.I. Joe rather than fight G.I. Joe, but either way, you have to admit that the Mayor of Springfield just became cooler than you city’s mayor.

Or perhaps we should be taking this more seriously. As the United States Senate sends a letter to Iran to undermine President Obama’s disarmament talks, there are local officials within the borders of the lower 48 states tacitly surrendering to Cobra. Do they really think that a sociopath with delusions of grandeur like Cobra Commander is going to be satisfied with the key to one American city? No, he’s going to want all the keys, to all the American cities, and he will take them by force if he has to! You’ve been warned America, will soon be coming down the Interstate for your cities honorary tchotchkes, but by then it will be too late! All hail, COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!


JoeCon begins on April 9 at the Prairie Capital Convention Center in Springfield, Ill. For more information, visit the website at


Category: Nerd Culture, WTF?

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