With the Olympics winding down, the countries of the world revel in the glorious harmony they have wrought by putting forth their best athletes to compete in games of sport and tests of skill. Calling upon grand traditions dating back to ancient times, these sports challenge the strength, speed, and skills of all who participate. While not necessarily the most athletic of the species, it’s high time for nerds to grab some of that glory for ourselves. It won’t be done through training and exercise. It will be done in a game changing, Kobayashi Maru-style coup. Olympic events are added and removed all the time. Now is the time to add the following nerdy games to the Olympics.
Harry Potter fans have already started their own real life Quidditch tournament. The structure and rules are already in place, so making this an Olympic sport would take little effort. Seriously, you would only really need some hoops, robes, and brooms, right? It could be played at a soccer venue and could easily pack a stadium full of rabid fans. Even though this is a nerdy game, it does require a significant amount of athletic talent. Basketball players get paid good money for their ability to throw a large ball through an elevated hoop. Quidditch is quite similar. Granted, there would be no actual flying, but watching people trying to run with a broom between their legs is pure gold. New scoreboards would have to be installed to help the audience keep track of what is happening. Also, those tall, rickety-looking stands would need to be constructed to add to the authenticity of the sport. Audience cosplay would definitely be encouraged.
A number of current Olympic sports (think shot put, javelin, and archery) are based off of ancient techniques used in battle. All that LARP-ing really does, is in add foam armor, weapons, and magic. To encourage competition, participants would engage in 1v1 duels. The International Olympic Committee would have to impose some limitations on the number of potions each player could use during the duels, otherwise individual matches could last for hours. To add an element of teamwork, countries would also compete in 4v4 matches. Each team would consist of the traditional tank, healer, and two damage dealers. As always, the competitors would all have to provide their own armor and weapons. The majesty of adults dressing up as elves, orcs, and knights to do fake battle with foam weapons is enough to sell out stadiums. Penalties are doled out to those competitors who break character or do not take the event seriously.
Likely Outcome: Russia gets disqualified for using actual axes and swords. China heartbreakingly loses to the U.S. in a sudden-death tie breaker. All who make the podium immediately cast several enchantments on their medals to increase their crit percentage.
Rocket League Tournament
Shockingly, there currently are no video game events in the Olympics. Accessible on every major gaming platform (get it together, Nintendo), Rocket League is the easy choice for an Olympic event. Most of the world already enjoys soccer, so adding in some vehicular mayhem only increases the appeal. After qualifying matches, each country is placed in brackets, similar to NCAA’s March Madness. All matches are 4 on 4 with the winners advancing. The final match is a best of 3 contest where the winner takes home the gold. Any player who does not fast forward through the goal replay earns a one-point penalty for their country.
Likely Outcome: Doping controversies surround the event as many players consume enough Mountain Dew to register on the random drug tests as a stimulant. The U.S. “Dream Team” made up of eSports champs, gets upset by last year’s World Cup winners, Serbia.
This event would showcase the mental prowess of the nerd community. Each nation’s team would be required to build and operate unmanned robot combatants. For safety’s sake, the size of the fighting robots should probably be limited to the size of an average human. Weapons would be limited to melee only, for obvious reasons. No need to hasten the robot apocalypse! Only the final match would be to the death, otherwise the battle for bronze would be between two piles of junk. On second thought, that might be fairly entertaining. Strength, mobility, and attack power would be the order of the day as the world would gather around to watch mechanical monsters fight for the glory of their country. Victory dance programs would be mandatory for all robot competitors.
Likely Outcomes: Again, Russia gets disqualified for attempting to use ranged weapons with rounds of depleted Uranium. Japan easily takes the gold medal with their advanced Gundam-like robots.
Few groups do internet outrage and trolling better than nerds. So why not make it an Olympic sport? Granted, trolling flies directly in the face of sportsmanship and decency, but the Olympics could stand a little controversy. In order to maintain the anonymity that trolls so genuinely love, competitors would compete directly from their comfortable rooms in the Olympic Village. The event would be broadcast on a Titantron during one of the less popular gymnastic sports. Probably the one where they use the ball and weird ribbon on a stick. In order to qualify for this event, each country must choose their best trolls from the Ghostbusters comment section on YouTube. The event will be judged on harshness, relevance, and style. Penalties will be given for competitors who use outdated memes and GIFs, make logical arguments, and give non-sarcastic compliments.
Likely Outcome: France makes a good showing with their colorful insults, but they still lose to the U.S. team which is comprised mainly of New Yorkers. Surprising no one, the Canadian team finishes dead last.
The Hunger Games
Some Olympic events, like fencing and wrestling, already have an element of combat to them. However, it never seems like they go quite far enough. That’s where the Hunger Games comes in. If a country wants a gold medal, then they had better send in some kids who are willing to battle to the death! Ok, so it’s probably possible to run the event with a sissy la-la paintball or laser tag system, but that simply cheapens the experience. It’s a shame that a Hunger Games event was not approved for the Rio Olympics. The Amazon river has all sorts of dangerous animals that would be hungry for some fresh, international meat. Per the series, each country would conduct a lottery to pick two “tributes” to participate in the games. This adds a degree of randomness that grants virtually anyone the chance at a gold medal.
Likely Outcome: Japan boycotts the event, citing that The Hunger Games is just a rip-off of Battle Royale. Russia actually wins this one. The U.S. claim Russian hackers hijacked the U.S. team’s sponsored supply drops. Stanley Tucci makes a special appearance dressed as Caesar Flickerman.
Think you can troll on an Olympic level? Bring it in the comments.
ARTICLE SUBMITTED BY: Chris Langan