Paramount

A Quiet Place is based on a world where you can’t make a sound unless you want to be torn apart by some ugly ass monster. While the movie acts as though people know how to live a good life without dying, the reality is that most of us would be killed within the first month. (Or as many have figured on Twitter, their first fart.) Let’s face it we are creatures of habit and if we forget our cell phone or lose our electricity we have a complete meltdown. Here are a just a few reasons that you might die.

Warning Spoilers Ahead.

Coffee

Most people become extraordinarily cranky without their coffee in the morning. Newsflash: coffee makers and tea kettles do, indeed, make noise. Could any of you caffeine junkies survive without having your morning pick-me-up? More importantly, would your family survive being around you? Especially since you need to be alert and aware of your surroundings at all times so you don’t get killed.

Sex

Some can go through their daily lives without craving sex, but the majority need it. Frequently. And while there are some who are as quiet as a mouse when having sex, many others like to get loud. Is a boring sex life as bad as being ripped to shreds during an amazing orgasm?

Kids

It’s a safe bet that most kids wouldn’t fair well in the scenario laid out in A Quiet Place. I mean come on a crying baby? Yes, the padded crib was an amazing thought for like two seconds, but in reality, babies don’t just turn on and off, they’re fickle as hell. Toddlers, are masters at throwing tantrums and more likely to get you killed while you are battling them. Teenagers might be okay considering they are used to sneaking around their parents. However, there would be no schools, no calling a babysitter. You will actually have to deal with your children.

Beauty

Will you accept your new post-apocalyptic hairdo now that you’ll never be able to use a hairdryer or enjoy intense water pressure in the shower again? You will never use a hairdryer or hairspray ever again. Beyond looking good, while having your period is bad enough, who wants to die from the sound of opening a tampon wrapper? You may be a shoeaholic, but you might as well burn them all considering you will be barefoot for the rest of your life.

Sleep

I’m sure we have all thought that we look like sleeping beauty when we catch some z’s. Then there is the reality. Waking up in the middle of the night cursing our partner out because they pulled your blanket right off you. Or that partner that snores louder than a hibernating bear. While all of this will surely get you killed, you will have the added bonus of never having to deal with another alarm clock in your life.

Pets

Many of us have animals we love and have thought, “even if the zombies come, Fluffy is coming with us”. Well alas, even the raccoons didn’t make it far in this movie. Your dog’s collar or nails even will likely be an easy dinner bell for the creatures. But perhaps if you have a slow nonbarking couch potato you might have a furry companion during this apocalypse.

You

As we mentioned, nothing would save you from the danger of your own farts. But burps would be just as deadly. And if you can hardly walk around your house in the middle of the night without stubbing your toe and cursing at the same immovable objects now, imagine how often it’d happen if your lantern goes out in the middle of the night. Most of us would scream bloody murder if we stepped on a lego, much less have a nail go through our foot.

For these reasons and many others, we should all be glad that A Quiet Place is a work of fiction.

Category: Featured, Film

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