Jason Tabrys

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Profile: Jason is still trying to rebuild his belief in humanity after the box office failure of Scott Pilgrim and he prays nightly to his dear and fluffy lord that his metachlorian rate will rise and allow him to become the bad-ass Jedi that he was born to be. Jason is the former editor of WeLoveCult.com and a contributor to VeryAware.com, ScreenInvasion.com, and us. He prefers that you love him from afar.

Author Archive

‘Vacation’ Cancelled, Former Rustys Rejoice

National Lampoons

New Line Cinemas has put a pillow over the face of its National Lampoon’s Family Vacation reboot, delaying the film that was/is set to be directed by screenwriters John Francis Daley and Jonathan GoldsteinEd Helms and Kelly Bundy — whose acting career was finally starting to take-off — were/are set to star.

Already in pre-production, filming was supposed to start in July, but as is often the case with multi-million dollar film projects, a catering company was hired before filmmakers and the studio had discussed whether to make a family friendly PG-13 film or a raunchy R rated film. Apparently, NC-17 slasher porn was not a consideration, though I think we can all agree that it should have been.

In case you’re wondering, there was no release date set for the all new Family Vacation film (the first since 2004 without Cedric the Entertainer), but fans are urged to seek out a copy of Little Miss Sunshine sometime around the summer of 2014 in an effort to get over this testicle numbing loss.

Speaking of testicle numbing, there is no word on if this delay will effect Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo‘s scheduled cameos either. The two were set to reprise their original roles, but now they may have to humiliate themselves to make a living, turning to Old Navy commercials like a couple of has-beens because the kid from Freaks and Geeks (Daley) had a sudden case of standards.

Star Ed Helms might also be in the wind now, since he no longer has a contractual obligation to be the worst part of The Office. If he — for some reason — needs to decamp this project, I’m sure producers have a long list of adequate replacements, so sit the fuck down Jason Lively.

As for Bundy (aka Christina Applegate), I’m sure she’s happy that the studio didn’t scrap the entire concept in favor of making National Lampoon’s Family Vacation into a multi-camera/laugh track laden shitcom.

Source: THR, I had to Google the name of the kid who played Rusty in European Vacation (Jason Lively). You probably did too.

 

 

Extremely Important Celebrity Gossip: Reese Witherspoon Gets Busted, Apologizes

Reese Witherspoon

I’m sorry I couldn’t find a picture with cleavage. I know that is important. I have failed you.

Reese Witherspoon, aka that actress who you despise because of Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde, but who you used to sorta dig because of her appearance in Election and the virgin heat she put off in Intolerable Cruelty, has been arrested in Georgia for some stuff.

She did the alleged stuff allegedly when her husband was arrested for an alleged DUI. The stuff she did reportedly included asking the cop if he knew her name, but this shit is all alleged, so keep that in mind.

This part wasn’t in the report that I didn’t read because Game of Thrones was on last night and it was fucking awesome, but I assume she then asked if he liked Water for Elephants and that she then became irate when the cop was like, “What the fuck is that?” and she was like: “It’s this period drama about a circus and some shit. It had me in it and the kid from Twilight — no, the other kid, the one who can sorta act. It won a fucking People’s Choice award. How do you not fucking know that!?!?!”

Yeah, I can totally see it going down like that.

Fun fact: Witherspoon used to be married to Ryan Phillipee (who is not the guy who allegedly drove drunk). He is famous for a sorta gruff sorta New York accent even though his Wikipedia page says he is from Delaware. Wikipedia is fucking awesome. Philipee was also in MacGruber, which was also fucking awesome.

Reese Witherspoon

Anyway, Witherspoon is sorry for the stuff she did and she released a statement through her publicist. Here is that statement:

Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarra…

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK, I don’t care. Do you care? I’ve heard people ask a variation of the “Do you know who I am” thing when their debit card gets declined or some poor, sad, bastard gets their order wrong. It’s a thing people say. Big fucking deal, Tracy Flick isn’t perfect.

Fuck this story, here’s a picture of Nick Nolte’s mugshot.

Reese Witherspoon

So, do you Nerd Bastards and Bitches (is that a thing we’re doing? I don’t feel like that’s okay.) have an opinion about this? I don’t fucking care about that either.

Source: Space Ghost, EW, Yo Mama

 

 

Crowdfund Confidential: Leave Em Laughing — A Tribute to Robert Schimmel

schimmel

I got into Robert Schimmel’s comedy at an inappropriate age. He was a little crude but bluntly honest and keenly observant, and though I didn’t understand all of his material, I fucking adored it.

If Schimmel was on Howard Stern (another comic who I got into at an inappropriate age)I was listening. When his albums like If You Buy This CD I Can Get This Car and Unprotected came out, I blew my allowance on them or put them on my Hanukkah list. I’m quite sure my mother was concerned.

Now, if you know who Robert Schimmel is, then you know that his life ended tragically in a 2010 car crash. You may also know that Schimmel had beaten cancer, a heart attack, and great personal loss in his life, things that he kept coming back from, things that he kept making fun of because he could seemingly always find humor in the darkest of places.

In my humble view as a mere observer, that is part of his great and durable legacy, but there was clearly so much more to the man, and that’s why his brother Jeff is now trying to celebrate Robert’s life with a memorial e-book that will collect tons of stories and pieces from his brother’s life and career.

You can learn more about Jeff’s Kickstarter project by clicking here, but first, I urge you to read our interview with him about Robert, what kind of man he was, and why his is a career that deserves such recognition.

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Can you paint the picture of who Robert was as a comic, as a brother, as a friend?

Jeff Schimmel: The best way to describe Robert Schimmel, as a comedian, is to say he was a throwback. He was more like an old school comic than someone from the newer waves. He liked to wear suits onstage, and was most comfortable just holding a microphone and pacing back and forth, head down, talking to the audience. He considered himself to be one of them, but with one major difference. He was saying the things that the others in the crowd were only thinking. If you listen to him carefully, you’ll notice that his vibe is more like that of a mischievous kid who was afraid of getting caught doing something wrong than a raunchy comedian who was just trying to shock you into nervous laughter.

As a brother, he was a challenge. He was always funnier to me offstage than onstage, but that often got me into trouble with our parents. If I laughed during an inappropriate moment, I would instantly catch a backhand to the chops from Mom. But she did it with love. We loved each other like crazy, and when we fought, it was like the worst of enemies going at it. It took me many years to understand that siblings fight, no matter how much they care about one another. But he was there for me and, as a big brother who was seven years older than me, he did all the things a big brother would do, good and bad.

Also, it isn’t really possible to explain Bobby (that’s what we called him) as a brother without including our sister, Sandy, in the mix. She was in between us in age, but there is no such thing as the Two Stooges. Sandy had her own relationship with Bobby that was nothing like mine, and the three of us had another dynamic that we shared, much to our amusement.

As a friend, I would say my brother was probably the best you could ever have. He would literally do anything for someone he cared about. Ask anyone, and they will tell you what a kind, gentle, sympathetic and empathetic man he was. He didn’t just love family and friends, he spent countless hours, year after year, providing support of all types to strangers in need. He rarely spoke about it, because he wasn’t interested in accolades.

Robert had a very honest, very unguarded act on stage and on his appearances on the Howard Stern show that drew from his life and his family’s life. Was there ever a time where you thought he went too far, a time when his act made you wince a bit?

Jeff: One thing you had to know about Robert Schimmel, the comedian, is that he didn’t have a filter hooked up to his mouth. He would just let it fly, and hope for the best. Sometimes, that blew up in his face. But he was willing to take that chance if it meant he could make you laugh, or portray the world in a real way. There were times that I would walk into work, and find co-workers in the hallway, anxious to ask, “Hey, did you hear your brother on Stern today? Is that stuff true?” I remember stopping short and dropping my head, and asking, “What did he say this time?”

schimmel 3

Showtime’s ‘Inside Comedy with David Steinberg’ will run a full length interview with Robert Schimmel on Monday night’s episode.

Has this project, the memorial e-book, made you feel closer to Robert, has it helped with the healing or have their been times where — well I imagine you’ve had to go through a lot of old pictures, video, etc — has that hit a nerve as well?

Jeff: When my brother had his car accident, that hit the nerves at once, and no nerves would ever need to be hit again. I think that applies to my Dad and sister as well. I can’t speak for anyone else, nor will I try to quantify their emotions. We didn’t just lose a brother and a son. We lost Bobby, the guy that we knew, and who went on to become comedian Robert Schimmel. Those are two different people, but two people who can’t be separated. Bobby gave Robert things to talk about. It’s hard to explain, and I don’t mean it in some stupid way. He didn’t have an alter ego like some other comedians I know. It’s just that being his brother meant that I would always be identified with him, and that is a plus and a minus. For years, I felt as if I didn’t have an identity unless my brother was standing next to me. I even told a mutual friend, who is a great comedian in his own right, that I’m always surprised when people recognize me if I’m alone.

Away from the stage, what are some of the things about Robert that you want people to know and what inspired you to do this and to share some of these memories with Robert’s fans?

Jeff: My brother worked all over the country, and fans flocked to those shows. But during the day, when those fans were unaware of Robert Schimmel, he would spend hours visiting children’s hospitals. He lost a son, and he never completely got over it, as if anyone could. He couldn’t do anything more for his own kid, but he would go all out to do something for a stranger’s kid. He would buy toys, play with the kids, support the parents who were going through emotional turmoil. And while he was going through his own battle with cancer, my brother would visit infusion centers everywhere, bringing comedy CDs from a myriad of comedians, as well as CD players that he would buy and give as gifts, just so people could maintain a positive attitude and laugh a little bit during treatment.

This has to be a tough question answer, but what do you think your brother’s legacy is both as a comic and as a man?

Jeff: You’re right, this is a tough one. To his fans, Robert Schimmel is an adored entertainer. No doubt about that. To some comedians, he was an inspiration. I don’t want to get too negative here, but you asked, so I’ll answer. Before I began the fundraising process for this tribute project, I thought my brother’s legacy as a comedian was cemented in eternity. Carved in stone, just like the words “I’m A Comedian” that grace his headstone. But it has been extremely difficult to get people to be willing to part with $1.00 to help us create a fitting memorial for my brother. It’s hard to believe, but I think this is a case of “What have you done for me LATELY?” Sure, he worked in great clubs in L.A. and New York, and everywhere in between. But he’s been gone for 2 1/2 years, so they seem to have forgotten that he packed their seats, night after night. If clubs participated in our campaign with just the price of ONE ticket to a Robert Schimmel, we would’ve been done with our fundraising efforts a long, long time ago. They haven’t, and we aren’t.

Please, feel free to say anything you like about Robert and why people should chip in to help you guys get over the hump and get this project funded.

Jeff: Why should people contribute to our tribute project for Robert Schimmel? That’s easy. If you like comedy, you can appreciate his talent. If you’re a fan, no explanation necessary. If you went through harsh treatment for an illness, you can identify with him, especially if you read his book. If you’re just interested in reading very, very funny stories and seeing private video, you’ll love this interactive eBook tribute. The bottom line is this: he deserves a tribute because he’s Robert Schimmel.

Here is the link to check out the Leave ‘Em Laughing Kickstarter.

Jeff is looking to raise $14,250 and as of this article going live, he is just $1,152 short with only 5 days left, so if you feel like you want to support the campaign, give a few bucks, and please share this article and the link to the Kickstarter campaign.

Guy Who Paid for it Thinks ‘Man of Steel’ is Awesome

man of steel

We’re paraphrasing in the title, but Thomas Tull would like to tell you what he thinks about Man of Steel, the Superman movie that his company — the humbly named Legendary Pictures — produced.

Before we get to that though, I just want to say that this is the best article that you are going to read about this all day. Really, this is the article that I’ve always wanted to write. I think the job that I did, along with my editor Luke — I think people are going to be very, very excited about the results. It’s a privilege to be a part of and Nerd Bastards does a phenomenal job of bringing these things to life.

I can tell you that you are going to enjoy this article very, very much and I can’t imagine that you’d doubt my high opinion of this thing I did just because my past articles about Superman Returns and Jonah Hex failed to live up to the hype and ultimately wound up being tremendous failures.

Anyway, here’s Tull in an interview with Collider:

“It’s the Superman movie I’ve always wanted to see. I think the job that Zack Snyder did along with Chris Nolan- I think that people are going to be very, very excited about the results. The acting, on top of all the incredible action- Kevin Costner playing Jonathan Kent, Russell Crowe, Diane Lane, just the cast, and I think the job Henry Cavill did, people are going to really be excited about it. It was a privilege to be a part of and Warner Brothers does a phenomenal job of bringing these things to life, Batman and Superman, and it really is a privilege for us to be a part of.”

Man of Steel premieres on June 14th.

Source: Collider

 

Knit Gate: Etsy Sellers Needled Over ‘Firefly’ “Jayne” Hats, Are Decoupagers to Blame?

jayne-hat

They took your love, they took your land, they took your TV show, and now they have taken your Etsy store. Fans of Firefly know about loss and sadness, but industrious Browncoats were shocked, shocked I tell you, to find their Jayne hat (the knitted cap Jayne’s mamma knitted him) emporiums closed down with cease and desist letters in their mailboxes or cyber mail catching areas.

Apparently, after years of being a bit too conservative with the Firefly license (can you break off a few new action figures for a brother?) Fox has sold the Jayne hat license to Ripple Junction, who is selling the hats on ThinkGeek.

So, who is to blame for this foul flex of corporate muscle that is technically justified and understandable since they own the license that others have been profiting from for years?

According to Blastr, it isn’t Ripple Junction, and it isn’t ThinkGeek. According to Ripple Junction’s website, they actually got their start selling tee shirts out of a van outside of Grateful Dead concerts in the 90s, so I imagine the ghost of Jerry Garcia would be all shaky fisted if they did such a thing and ThinkGeek’s product page for the hats actually mentions Etsy in an incidental way.

How about Joss Whedon? Well, he’s a little too busy to weigh in on Knit-Gate, but he did speak lovingly about the hats in a 2008 interview with Crochetme.com, where he said: “I see them constantly. And it fills me with tiny knitted joy.”

So that leaves two options: the Alliance and Fox.

Either way, what do they care? Yes, knitters are in a snit, a knit snit if you will, but realistically, it could take a long time for them to put together a protest quilt, and by then people will have moved on.

Copyright laws are what copyright laws are, and despite the fact that those laws take the side of commerce over fan love (and also commerce) in instances such as this, crafty Browncoats can hold their heads high, because, so far no one has stepped up to stop them from making Hoban Washburne Chest Spear Koozies, and that ain’t nothing.

Source: BlastrCrochetme.com

We Have a New ‘Man of Steel’ Trailer for Your Eyes and Things

henry-cavill-man-of-steel

Warner Bros. has released the first TV spot for their upcoming low budget indie film about a flying alien with multiple personality disorders. It is called Man of Steel: The Tale of the Man Who is Super, and it is not (apparently) a sequel to the criminally underrated comic book superhero movie, Steel, which starred Shaquille O’Neal in a raw and tumultuous demonstration of thespianic talent so thunderous and impactful that it may or may not have been the real cause of Jimmy Stewart’s death.

No, it is not that — sadly — but Man of Steel is directed by Zack Snyder, a man who never saw Steel, a man who rejects all other spellings of that name and a man who previously directed Sucker Punch, a movie about owls, 300, The Watchmen, the Dawn of the Dead remake, and uh… there is also a Morrisey music video on his IMDB page, I should mention that as well.

By the way, does anyone else think Morrissey looks like the guy who played The Governor on The Walking Dead? His name is also Morrissey, David Morrissey. Do you think they are related? Maybe they are cousins.

Anyway, David Morrissey isn’t in this film but Henry Cavill is, and he is British, but I don’t think they are related. Also in this film: Laurence Fishburne (who was in The Matrix), Kevin Costner (who was not), Russell Crowe (who used to be in a band), and Amy Adams, who is the only redhead in Hollywood that I don’t really find attractive with the exception of Donny Most.

If you don’t know who Donny Most is, I hope you accidentally swallow a baby snake and it lays eggs in your colon and then you poop baby snakes and then when you look in the toilet you get so scared that you pass out and then someone who you are kinda into, but haven’t yet gotten with, finds you and you are so embarrassed that you move to Alabama where you start a small thrift store called “Old Shit” and hire all these mischievous employees and one day, some guy from a network comes and offers you a reality show, but he isn’t from one of the good networks, but that doesn’t matter because you do the show anyway, and they schedule you in a weird time slot right behind a reality show with Anson Williams called “That’s Just Anson Being Anson” and…

[Disclaimer: If you are, somehow, still reading this, then kudos to you. You are a brave little toaster and if I had the financial ability to do so, I would tender you a voucher for one granola bar... quite possibly a Kudos granola bar, because they are tasty and that would make literal the whole Kudos thing from before.

Yes, that would have been the bees knees, but sadly I am not able to tender you such a voucher, so you will just have to settle for a hearty dash of gratitude, and a quick return to the conclusion of this article that everyone else simply ignored to get to the bottom, where the fresh, new Man of Steel footage lies waiting for you. Again, many thanks.]

… at a network mixer, you and Anson, Anson Williams, the star of That’s Just Anson Being Anson, would strike up a conversation and you tell him all about your snake butt and your lost love and how it all happened because you didn’t know who Donny Most was and then he punches you in the mouth because he — of course — knows who Donny Most is, and then you realize — AT LONG LAST — how foolish you were for not knowing who Donny Most is. THAT, is what I hope the consequences are if you don’t know who Donny Most is, but anyway, here is the synopsis for Man of Steel, and below that is the new trailer, enjoy!

Synopsis that I copied and pasted here for you:

From Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures comes “Man of Steel”, starring Henry Cavill, directed by Zach Snyder. The film also stars Amy Adams, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, Antje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Henry Lennix, Christopher Meloni and Laurence Fishburne.

Trailer that I embedded by using magic code. 

Man of Steel comes out on June 14th in a theater near me, ya’ll need to sort out where it’s goona be in your own damn neighborhood.

Source: Cloud God and also /Film

Disney Closes LucasArts — Two Future Star Wars Games in Jeopardy

lucasarts

Looks like we’ll never ever get a chance to put our thumbs to the world of Star Wars 1313, a stunner of a game that was previewed at last year’s E3. Yes, that title and any others that were in development over at LucasArts have been sucked up into the gears of the big machine, devoured by Disney along with 150 jobs that were lost today when mouse-eared money men decided to pull the plug on the notable design studio.

According to Kotaku, this is no surprise, but — and this is not to dismiss the very real toll levied up the 150 workers who will be without a means of support — it’s still a bit of a hit to a world that craves playable Star Wars, especially in these moments where the universe is expanding with new titles and other notable products.

Will gamers be left behind as Disney tries to take over the world? Possibly, unless the keepers of Walt Disney’s frozen head decide to farm out the work like LucasArts did with the Battlefront games.

Those games are — in my mind — the best out of all the Star Wars games (though, in fairness, I never played Knights of the Old Republic), and yet we know the sad and tumultuous end that that franchise met. Both the Battlefront-esque FPS Star Wars: First Assault and Star Wars 1313 were to be the next shining jewels in the uneven legacy of LucasArts, especially 1313, a possibly Mature rated game that would have followed a bounty hunter into the seamy underworld of Coruscant.

That concept shared some of it’s roots with the long-discussed live-action Star Wars series that still hasn’t come to be, but the story could be cannibalized and re-used in the upcoming run of Star Wars films or, perhaps, as a tie in game that is connected to one of those projects. Really, no good idea goes u un-molested and pushed to it’s break by either Lucas or Disney, so if 1313 came from as good a place as it seemed, we are sure to see some kind of take on the story eventually, even if it’s all dressed up in Frankenstein-ian scars.

Source: Kotaku

Interview: Chris Hardwick on ‘Doctor Who’ and ‘The Nerdist’

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Despite never claiming the crown in a fancy reality TV competition, Chris Hardwick (aka @Nerdist) could rightly be called King of the Nerds. A stand-up comic, Hardwick burst into our consciousness as the guy who stood next to Jenny McCarthy on Singled Out. Later, he would contribute to Attack of the Show, travel the country MCing panels at various Comic Cons and start the Nerdist podcast. Now, Hardwick is working as the host of AMC’s Walking Dead aftershow, The Talking Dead and his new show, The Nerdist, is about to kick off on BBC America as a part of their Supernatural Saturday’s lineup.

Given the chance to talk to Hardwick on a conference call this afternoon, we asked about his late night ambitions, which Doctor he’d like to bring back for the 50th Anniversary, and the chances of a Singled Out Kickstarter. Before we get to that, though, take a look at what Hardwick had to say when a some of the other writers on the call asked about his new show and whether he would choose The Walking Dead or Doctor Who if forced to make a choice.

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Crowdfund Confidential: Can the ‘The Hit Squad’ Beat Their Fundraising End Boss?

Crowd

Merging old school, 8-bit video game visuals, synth-pop, and a bit of quirky British humor, Chris Blundell has dedicated 60 hours a week to The Hit Squad, an animated film that tells the story of a reunited 80s band in pursuit of their past glory. Interested? Listen to Chris tell you why you should support his Kickstarter, why re-creating 8-bit animation appealed to him, and why Veronica Mars is not bad for Kickstarter.

(more…)

Enter the Cage: ‘Seeking Justice’, ‘Trespass’, and Why Nic Cage is Magic

Cage

He is our greatest over-actor, and yet for years I thumbed my nose at Nicolas Cage, damning him for his inability to re-create the brilliance that he has exhibited a handful of times thanks to superior material, divine intervention, or Faustian barter/trading.

Thankfully, I have evolved and realized that Cage is a vapor that cannot be contained by convention or weighed down by the expectations of others. He is not for us, but for future generations that will be choked numb by an avalanche of technology and distance. For them, Nicolas Cage films will be a road map back to the abundant emotions that only the ghosts whisper about.

For them, he will be a truth, not an oddity. So, with that in mind, I have embraced the embrace of the Cage and his electric howl.

Do you doubt my song and my near-religious conversion?

Do you not realize that Nic Cage has rumbled with fish, raced and then struck the moon, had a honeymoon and then died in Las Vegas before breaking into Alcatraz? Do you not recognize that he cut his fucking face off, brought out the dead, talked to the wind, saved the Declaration of Independence, fought off bees, lit his skull on fire, got dangerous in Bangkok, and then drove angry while seeking justice?

Cage Vamp

Cage is a dinosaur skull owning vampire and a thunder God who lives in a German castle, plays the mandolin, and fucked Elvis’ daughter after he fucked the woman who would one day become The Punisher’s psychic wife. How about you?

Cage was too much man to be Krypton’s last son and as the adage goes, his hair has more range than most other actors. Can you telekinetically make your hairline dance? Didn’t think so.

His madness is method, his eyes are wide, wild, and white and his warrior cry can castrate a bear from three miles out.

In an age when Liam Neeson is the accepted definition of cinematic toughness because he trained Batman and punched a wolf, Nic Cage merely laughs inappropriately, trains a pint sized vigilante and then eye-fucks a unicorn while riding a dragon bareback and some of these things are exaggerations!

Cage octopus

Hell yeah, he owned an octopus once! He also worked with both Sean Connery (James Bond) and Jon Lovitz (the exact opposite of James Bond) over the course of two years. Moby took one look at Red Rock West and wrote a song about Nic Cage because Nic Cage is made of stars, and so to commemorate that, we bring you a look at two of Cage’s films in what may become a regular thing here if the mood strikes us me.

Without further ado, film reviews and slightly less peculiar word choices.

Seeking Justice

The first of four Cage movies that I watched last night in an unhealthy binge of whisper/scream acting, Seeking Justice stars Cage as a high school teacher whose wife (played by Mad Men’s January Jones) gets sexually assaulted on the streets of New Orleans. Beset by grief and sitting in the waiting room in the hours after the attack, Cage’s character is approached by Guy Pearce, who plays a shady stranger that offers Cage a chance at revenge through his group of vigilante do-gooders, provided Cage promises to return the favor one day.

Cage Vamp

All in all, the premise sounds like the basis for an interesting and grimy examination into the sadistic parts of an emotionally destroyed brain and the dark places that can get visited in moments of deep duress. It’s easy to empathize with Cage’s character in that moment when he agrees to this deal with Pearce, and it’s interesting to see the reality of what he has done settle around his shoulders and bleed into his heart. He is a defacto murderer, but he tries to move on. Sadly, Pearce and others in the organization keep coming for him.

I would have loved this movie had it accepted this simple premise and not tried to weave a somewhat complex and mostly implausible conspiracy that taints the police, mild-mannered friends, and many others. This could have been a bare thriller, casting Cage as a man who has to run from a sin that many of us might entertain if put in the same set of horrific circumstances.

The end is painfully predictable, but Cage is solid and so is Jones, who I usually can’t stand. Guy Pearce should have written “Pass” on his forehead so he remembered to run away from this thoroughly cartoonish black hat role, rather than report to set everyday. That was a Memento reference  in case you weren’t picking up what I was throwing down.

Overall…

Cage Face Seeking Justice

Trespass

Directed by Joel Schumacher, Tresspass makes the same mistake as Seeking Justice in that it takes a simple premise — a home invasion that unites a divided family against masked theives — and corrupts it with ambition and a need to give every single character busy work.

The film stars Cage, Nicole Kidman and Liana Liberato as a diamond broker, his desperate housewife, and his rebellious daughter, and Cam Gigandet, Ben Mendelsohn (who is quite good in this), Dash Mihok, and Jordana Spiro as the masked thieves who invade Cage’s posh house looking for a quick score.

Cage is fantastic in this one, employing some kind of high pitched, dweeb tone to oversell his flaccidity and architectural over-compensation. He also refuses to give the thieves the money that they desire and gets the living crap beaten out of him for his trouble making ways, so if anyone is still pissed off about Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, this is an Ikea bed built for you to sleep and dream on.

Cage Vamp

The real trouble — with the story — begins when we go behind the mask and start learning about the thieves’ backstory. Mihok is a sadistic heavy, Mendelsohn is small time dope peddler looking to payoff a debt that he owes to Mihok’s employer while keeping both his little brother (Gigandet) and his psycho stripper girlfriend in line. By the way, it’s Gigandet’s character that hatched this whole plan and he’s actually in love with/stalking Kidman’s character without cause and with tremendous, negative effect.

I weep for what this could have been had they kept the thieves faceless and kept the domestic squabbles in the forefront instead of efforting to make a more Better Home and Gardens friendly version of Panic Room on crack. But hey, it’s Schumacher, so it’s just gotta be busy and wrought with an abundance of layers that suck all the air out of the metaphorical room and clog the story with needless knick knacks that we have to climb over to get to the point.

With that said, it’s a good film that could have been better. Overall…

Cage Face Trespass

So, two Nicolas Cage reviews and a testimonial to the man’s genius. Clearly you, dear reader, won at life Plinko. Stay tuned, maybe next time we’ll talk about Knowing and Amos and Andrew.