80s

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Welcome back to our newly revamped “Retro Reviews” column, where we explore both the movies you know and love, as well as the oft overlooked gems you should be spending more time with. Our second entry is the crazy, career re-defining Arnold Schwarzenegger action romp, Commando (1985)…

The restless feminist inside of me always cringes whenever I use the term “man movie”, but that is undoubtedly what Commando is. Buff, dumb and slathered in baby oil, Mark L. Lester (Class of 1984Firestarter) made the ultimate “one man army” picture; a breakneck barrage of insanity whose brief moments of tenderness are simply a ploy to get you to start fist-pumping once Arnold starts dropping dudes off of cliffs and spouting one-liners. Filled with an assortment of BAMFs* (including Vernon Wells, who seems to have stolen and kept some unused post-apocalyptic garb from The Road Warrior) and a legion of indigenous peoples (from wherever) for Arnold Schwarzenegger to mow down in a wave of righteous anger, Commando might be the greatest meat-head film the ’80s ever produced. A marvel of economy and pacing, its brisk ninety minutes feel like five once John Matrix’s daughter (Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped by dictator hopeful Arius (Dan Hedaya, in full brown-face), thus sending the titular destroyer of small nations on his quest to kill as many human beings as possible. In short — Commando is a masterpiece of masculine moviemaking; an Adonis of action craft tailor-made to satiate the blood lust of teenage boys.

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If there’s one thing nerds of a certain age universally agree on, it’s this….Toys (for kids and young adults) these days SUUUCK!

Oh, sure–today’s younglings have video games that would make 8 year old, Atari 2600 playing me drop dead of a pleasure-induced brain hemorrhage. And there will always be timeless classics like LEGO But as far as action figures–and their accompanying vehicles, playsets, and other miscellany go: The playthings of my 1980s childhood beat the piss out of anything the 21st century has yet to come up with–it’s not even a contest.

But this feature isn’t about how much new toys blow (that’s another feature), instead, the old and decrepit among the Nerd Bastards staff have decided to present you, the reader, with a series of tributes to the overpriced hunks of plastic of yore. Magnificent toy lines and other pieces of antiquity that make us forget how lonely and miserable our ACTUAL childhoods were.

This week guest writer Jason Helton is here to show some much needed love to an unsung–well, less than sufficiently sung – laser toy gun of yesteryear with: Photon Laser Tag  (more…)

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Time for your weekly dose of the fantastic fandom-based art that’s hit the web this week with your Nerd Art Dump. Each and every week we pick and choose through the masses of prints and pics on the digital frontier to give you nothing but the best to fill your geek needs. So on with the dump.

ABOVE: Holy Mother of Dragons! Have a look at Daenerys Targaryen taking a day off to relax and play with her dragon. – By Mark Evans (more…)

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Sony does not have the power to make a a good He-Man movie. They do, however, have fabulous secret powers at ruining one beloved franchise after another (Ghost Rider, Amazing Spider-Man). And with all do respect to the following directors, Sony’s latest reported choices in talent to helm a new live-action He-Man movie is… well, it just makes you wanna  tell them to shove the power sword up a place that makes Fisto and Ram-Man smile. (more…)

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Time for your weekly dose of the fantastic fandom-based art that’s hit the web this week with your Nerd Art Dump. Each and every week we pick and choose through the masses of prints and pics on the digital frontier to give you nothing but the best to fill your geek needs. So on with the dump.

ABOVE:  Josh Cooley’s  Movies R Fun brings you all the joy of some of your favorite cult movies in a way that you can share with your children. Well, if you don’t mind Child Services taking a serious look at your parenting skills. (more…)

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Over the fifty-something years since her introduction, Mattel‘s flagship girl’s fashion doll, Barbie, has been the object of as much scorn and controversy as love and devotion. The perennial issue driving the anti-Barbie movement is her wildly unrealistic measurements and bodily proportions. It is believed by many (and apparently backed up by statistics) that Barbie’s impossible curves make her an inappropriate role model for little girls, and are also causing sales of the doll to plummet.

Well, a Mattel executive has decided to step into the arena and defend Barbie’s bod. (more…)

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Fans of 90s and 80s retro have much to celebrate today: Jerry Seinfeld has informed Variety that a long-rumored Seinfeld “reunion” (in a sense, at least) is indeed coming soon. Meanwhile, hot on the heels of their team ups on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and a Superbowl ad for Dannon Oikos yogurt, the boys from Full House seem to be primed for some manner of reunion themselves.  (more…)

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If there’s one thing nerds of a certain age universally agree on, it’s this….Toys (for kids and young adults) these days SUUUCK! Oh, sure–today’s younglings have video games that would make 8 year old, Atari 2600 playing me drop dead of a pleasure-induced brain hemorrhage. And there will always be timeless classics like LEGO (and by the way: CURSE, children of today, for having LEGO Stores!). But as far as action figures–and their accompanying vehicles, playsets, and other miscellany go: The playthings of my 1980s childhood beat the piss out of anything the 21st century has yet to come up with–it’s not even a contest. But this feature isn’t about how much new toys blow (that’s another feature), instead, the old and decrepit among the Nerd Bastards staff have decided to present you, the reader, with a series of tributes to the overpriced hunks of plastic of yore. Magnificent toy lines that make us forget how lonely and miserable our ACTUAL childhoods were. This week I’m back again to show some much needed love to an unsung–well, less than sufficiently sung–toy line of yesteryear: Ideal Toy Company’s ooey, gooey, awesome Manglors. (more…)

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If there’s one thing nerds of a certain age universally agree on, it’s this….Toys (for kids and young adults) these days SUUUCK!

Oh, sure–today’s younglings have video games that would make 8 year old, Atari 2600 playing me drop dead of a pleasure-induced brain hemorrhage. And there will always be timeless classics like LEGO (and by the way: CURSE, children of today, for having LEGO Stores!). But as far as action figures–and their accompanying vehicles, playsets, and other miscellany go: The playthings of my 1980s childhood beat the piss out of anything the 21st century has yet to come up with–it’s not even a contest.

But this feature isn’t about how much new toys blow (that’s another feature), instead, the old and decrepit among the Nerd Bastards staff have decided to present you, the reader, with a series of tributes to the overpriced hunks of plastic of yore. Magnificent toy lines that make us forget how lonely and miserable our ACTUAL childhoods were.

I have been granted the pleasure of writing the inaugural piece–honoring a line that probably never should have existed:  (more…)