Sharknado‘s director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin (No really: THUNDER LEVIN!) know little about how sharks work–and even less about how tornadoes work.
And they couldn’t care less what you think of this.
Because what they DO know is how B-movie audiences work. Sharknado, whatever else it may be, might well be the least pretentious piece of cinema ever made. Let’s face it: No one sits down to a movie called “Shark-Effing-Nado” and expects a masterpiece of the filmmaker’s art. No–we want mindless crap, and SyFy–along with infamous schlock producers The Asylum, are delighted to give it to us.
Nothing’s worse than a crap movie that THINKS it’s profound and artistic….Sure, such delusions can provide amusement for an audience, but in the end they prove more annoying than anything else. I sat down to Sharknado for the same reasons you probably did: To watch has-been actors struggle for relevancy. To see things break and people die in new and increasingly badass and ridiculous ways. And to watch filmmakers tell biology, physics, and meteorology to collectively suck their balls.
This is all I asked of the movie…..And I was not disappointed in the least.
Okay, let’s proceed with something resembling a “review”. I’ll warn you. I’m not going to recap quite the way I would with a “normal” movie or TV show. You’re either the kind of person who will enjoy a movie like Sharknado, or you’re not–and there’s nothing I can say that’ll change that. This is SERIOUSLY a niche market flick–and if you’re not part of that niche, you will NOT like Sharknado.
Ergo, I’m going to assume that you’re among those who would dig a movie like this, and therefore finer details of plot and characterization are largely unimportant. Why insult anyone’s intelligence by pretending there’s a point beyond watching shark-infested twisters tear hell through downtown L.A.?
The folks above are the main characters (minus Tara Reid). They’re denizens of a skeevy seaside bar run by Fin: Sharknado‘s noble hero–a former surfing champion played by Ian Ziering (the blonde guy from Beverly Hills, 90210–bottom right).
From left to right is some Australian guy–whose job in the film is to serve as Fin’s sidekick, and to NEVER let the audience forget that he’s Australian. Honestly, I have no idea who plays him…seriously, I looked up the film on IMDB, and I can’t for the life of me figure out who he is on the cast…He’s just that forgettable.
Then there’s Cassie Scerbo as Nova (feel free to roll your eyes–I know I did). She’s Sharknado‘s resident eye candy and barmaid. She has a mildly unsettling crush on Fin (who’s like twice her age), and a shark bite on her thigh that she refuses to talk about–yet she never wears anything except short-shorts and bikini bottoms…you’d think someone who didn’t want to discuss the enormous scar on her leg MIGHT wear longer pants, but Hell, I’m no screenwriter….
(and yes, she explains the bite in a delightfully predictable “sincere moment” near the movie’s climax)
And finally, there’s Sharknado‘s prerequisite “Embarrassed Actor”, John Heard (all B-pictures MUST have that one actor or actress who wouldn’t have played a cadaver in a film like this twenty years ago). Heard plays local alcoholic/sexual predator George. His job is to be charmingly inebriated, and to paw drunkenly at Cassie Scerbo.
Heard actually pulls off being close to likeable, despite repeatedly attempting to molest Scerbo. He has the honor of being the film’s first major character to be eaten–right after he rescues a puppy from a locked car by breaking the window with his trusty barstool (yes, you read that correctly).
I suppose I should add a quick run-down of how this whole tornado/shark dealie came to be in the first place….Well, first the coast got hit with a big-ass hurricane–flooding the beaches and coastline and pushing the sharks inland (and they seemed both comfortable, and still quite effective out of the water). Once they made it into the city and the nearby desert, the screwy weather caused by the hurricane caused tornadoes, which the sharks were happy to hitch rides on….Ergo: Sharknado!
Are we all on the same page now? Swell!
Continuing, above we see Fin’s estranged ex-wife, played by Leatherface–er, Tara Reid.
Honestly, Miss Reid is not aging gracefully I fear. In some shots, it looks as though her plastic surgeon used sausage casing in her last facelift. I’d give her a pass on this, if she could emote her way out of a paper bag, or if she played even a remotely likeable character. There’s no good explanation why she left Fin except that she’s an obnoxious shrew.
The first thing Fin and his bar buddies do when the shark assault begins is go find his ex, and rescue her and his daughter. There’s another guy there who tries to have a dick-measuring contest with Fin–but he gets ate really quick…in fact, he was eaten immediately after my rommate said “I hope this guy gets eaten!” TRUE STORY!
And from that moment on, all Tara does is complain about Fin–like when he stops to rescue a school bus filled with kids. She just bitches about how they need to save themselves and they don’t have time for senseless heroics….
Gee, don’t you gals HATE it when men are noble, brave, and heroic?
Fin’s daughter comes along for the ride, but her only job seems to be hating her dad, and wishing she were as pretty as Cassie Scerbo:
(ABOVE: NOT Fin’s daughter)
They also pick up Fin’s son later…his job is to serve as Cassie’s love-interest, thus ending her creepy fixation on Fin, AND freeing him up to inevitably get back together with his horrible, jerky-skinned bitch of an ex-wife.
The “Sharknadoes” themselves take their sweet time showing up–but believe me, the wait is worth it:
In the climax, Fin’s brood, Cassie, Aussie Man, and probably some other nameless characters I’m forgetting mount an assault on the sharknadoes. Cassie and Fin Jr. fly a helicopter over the twisters–and drop bombs made by Aussie Man (I think) into their centers.
Why? Because BAD ASS, that’s why!
According to Sharknadology, dropping a bomb into a tornado will disperse it–IF the blast is precisely the right size, timed perfectly, and goes of exactly where it needs to.
Once the sharks no longer have the benefit of tornadoes to ride, they prove fairly easy to dispatch.
I’ll save the ultimate climax for those of you who haven’t seen the film yet–and you WILL have another chance.
In summary, Sharknado will NOT be “all things to all viewers”. Probably 90% of typical audiences will hate it–and there’s no real reason why they shouldn’t: It is not a good movie.
IF, however, you go into it understanding exactly what lies in store for you–if you WANT an absurd piece of hackneyed, ultraviolent trash–then I guarantee you will have the time of your life. Sharknado is one of the most enjoyable films of its kind I’ve watched in years, and I look forward to seeing it again.
Dislike Twilight? Well, they’re not too fond of it either at San Diego Comic Con this year. The panel on the forthcoming segment of the Twilight franchise, Breaking Dawn, was ranked 35th out of 50 in a poll of the most popular panels at this year’s SDCC conducted by the makers of the MySched app.
This year’s most popular panel: The Walking Dead. Attendees coming to SDCC, which will unfold at the San Diego Convention Center from July 21 to 24, are most excited about the AMC drama series about a group of survivors in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. The Walking Dead finished ahead of the geek-friendly sitcom The Big Bang Theory and HBO’s fantasy epic Game of Thrones, which took second and third place respectively. The Sony and True Blood panels round out the Top 5.
Twilight, long derided by the geek-faithful (including several Nerd Bastards I know) as the “Why is this at Comic Con anyway?” selection is now sandwiched between the panels for Sy-Fy’s Warehouse 13, and, oddly enough, the panel for the fantasy movie Snow White and the Huntsman, which stars Twilight debutant Kristen Stewart (and The Mighty Thor, Chris Hemsworth).
Oddly enough, one actual comic-based panel made the Top 50: Dark Horse Comics panel featuring Buffy creator (and Avengers director) Joss Whendon, which still landed ahead of Twilight in 27th place.
You can check out the ever changing list for yourself HERE
*Note: The above story was written by Nerd Bastards contributor Adam. A. Donaldson
Holy waffles, talk about something you thought you’d never see. EpixHD tweeted out this photo of William Shatner, who played Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek: The Original Series taking on Chris Pine, who plays Kirk in the JJ Abrams‘ Star Trek reboot, in an arm wrestling match. I’d ask who won, but clearly Kirk changed the conditions of the test and got a commendation for original thinking. How many of you looked at this and pictured the battle music from Amok Time?
In case you were wondering, this shot was taken during the filming of a Star Trek documentary entitlted ‘The Captains’, in which Shatner sites down with all of Star Trek’s captains (Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, Avery Brooks, Scott Bakula and yes, Chris Pine. Shatner told Canoe.ca what happened when he came face to fact with Pine:
He’s shy. So the way I started the interview, I put out a table and chairs outside the Paramount gates, and arm-wrestled with him. That was the beginning of my interview with him. I think it broke the ice, that’s for sure.
William Shatner’s The Captains premieres on the EPIX Channel on July 21st 2011.
Nerd Art Stock Pile? There’s a lot of nerd art on the net. Mostly it’s fan-fiction tentacle Pr0n, but hey we’re not complaining. We see so much neato art work on a daily basis, but for whatever reason they don’t make it to the front page of Nerd Bastards. We’re either lazy, or a piece of stand alone artwork isn’t enough to warrant a full post. Mostly we’re lazy. But, who are we to rob you of this net glory? We’re bastards but we’re not assholes. So here’s a roundup of the latest Nerd Art; intended for eye masturbation purposes.
First up is a piece from White Rabbit on deviantART called A Boy and His Dog (pictured above) which features Boba Fett from Star Wars and Falkor from The Neverending Story. Why? Well why not? Heck, who’s to say luck dragons aren’t at the bottom of the sarlacc pit.
Nerd Art Stock Pile? There’s a lot of nerd art on the net. Mostly it’s fan-fiction tentacle Pr0n, but hey we’re not complaining. We see so much neato art work on a daily basis, but for whatever reason they don’t make it to the front page of Nerd Bastards. We’re either lazy, or a piece of stand alone artwork isn’t enough to warrant a full post. Mostly we’re lazy. But, who are we to rob you of this net glory? We’re bastards but we’re not assholes. So here’s a round-up of the latest Nerd Art; intended for eye masturbation purposes.
HIT THE JUMP for Angry Adam West Batman, Bigger Badder Wolverine, Marvel Master Pieces, Banana Sculptures, Star Wars Cover Art and Peep Dioramas
[UPDATE WE HAVE OUR WINNER] By way of random selection Nerd Bastards has chosen Facebook user Ernest Sandridge as the recipient of the Star Trek Bathrobe. Ernest is one lucky duck! Jealous? Don’t feel too bad, will have more great items to give away in the weeks to come. You’ll get your chance.
In continuation of Nerd Bastards fan appreciation, ThinkGeek.comhas given us yet another awesome, nerdy, needful item.
Up this week is a Star Trek science officer bathrobe, so you can explore strange new worlds in fuzzy comfort. Even if you’re not a Vulcan, spending an entire weekend watching Star Trek: The Original Series without one of these comfy bad boys would be…highly illogical.
What exactly do I need to do to win?
There are two things you need to do to win. 1. You need to follow Nerd Bastards on either Twitter (@nerdbastards) or Facebook. 2. You need to tweet or make a wall update saying “Dammit Jim, I’m a Doctor not a spa manager”.
Contest is applicable to fans who already follow us on Facebook/Twitter (you just need to tweet or make a wall update of the required fore mentioned phrase). Multiple tweets or wall updates are allowed (no limit, but don’t flood the feeds. Play nice.). 1 lucky winner will be randomly chosen (so don’t go trying to bribe us with money or boobs. They are certainly welcomed, they just won’t increase your chances). on Monday 4/11/11. The one size-fits-all robe will be shipped out (free of charge via standard delivery) within 1-2 weeks.
Got it? Now, what are you waiting for? Start spreading the Nerdbastards/ThinkGeek gospel. DO IT NOW!
If you do not win but still wish to cloth yourself partially, leaving your Vulcan balls/Vajayjay to hang in the wind then you can pick up your own Star Trek science officer robe at thinkgeek.comFor $49.99. Captain and Engineer styles available as well.
More on ThinkGeek and Star Trek Robes after the jump
I’ve been saying for years that the Black Power Ranger was underused and under-appreciated, always in the shadow of the Pink and Green Ranger. Course, joke’s on them. Little did the rest of the Rangers know that Mastodon Afro Knight was getting some Yellow Ranger trim. Brother had a thing for Chinese food. On a side note, how many of you put the Green Ranger’s gold chest armor on the Black Ranger back in the day? I sure did! Ah, piece swapping, a wonderful way to give unsung heroes the valor they deserve. Kinda like puttin’ the medal on Chewie. But I digress.
Some nerdy rapper by the name of A-1 (it’s a little known fact that I hate steak sauce) decided to do a little rap celebrating the Black Ranger, washing away the attention-lacking atrocity that the has plagued the character for years. The video is pretty slick too. Black Ranger busting some moves!
FUCK YES!! GO GO BLACK PANTHERS!…. Er, I mean BLACK RANGER!
In what could be called the greatest April fool’s day joke ever, the 1970’s are gonna be making a comeback in the form of a Batman/Scooby-Doo team up. Take a look at your calenders though, it’s still March and Mystery inc. and Gotham’s Dark Knight haven’t teamed up since 1972’s “The Dynamic Scooby-Doo Affair”. Watching Batman and Robin work together with the antics of Shaggy and Scooby must have blown more then a few minds in the decade of peace and love. Strap on your utility belts and get out those Scooby Snacks because it looks like 2011 is the year the band get back together one more time.
It’s 106 miles to Gotham, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of Scooby snacks, it’s dark… and we’re with Batman. Hit it.
On April 1st, 2011, fans of the cowardly dog and the masked hero will have their television set to Batman: The Brave and The Bold for the crossover of the year. As part of the episode ‘Batman’s Strangest Cases’ Batman and every annoying, all-powerful Bat-Mite (Paul Reubens) takes us through some weird alternate realities. The Scooby doo portion is part of a larger scheme, done in the style of early 1970s Hanna-Barbera animation. Jumping alternate realties and only using the best mystery solvers next to Batman himself is pretty weak but it should be worth it in some way. Please use Adam West in the Hanna-Barbera universe, pretty, pretty please.
With the new Pokemon: Black and White coming out only a few days ago (March 6th) there was only a matter of time before this happened. Ever since 93′ people have been taking the theme to the fighting monster game and making their own versions of the classic song. However, the grammy nominated Presidents of The United States are setting the next level. In between all their recording sessions, groupies, and restraining orders on fans, they took the time to make a song about the now 646 pokemon, that’s a lot of balls (pokeballs). If you haven’t heard of the “PUSA” (not that cool thing ladies have) since 1993 then you’ve been missing out. Taking a love of Nintendo‘s hottest seller since Mario and the guys that made ‘peaches’ are a match made in nerd heaven.
Gotta catch em’ all (with ROCK).
The president’s might not of learned ‘cut’ yet but they don’t need it to get through the “bushes”.
We know them as the Power Rangers, in Japan they are the Super Sentai, heroes of justice and and giant fighting robots know around the world. Started in 1975 with Himitsu Sentai Goranger (Secret Task Force: Five Rangers) the series is 36 years old and is still running strong with yet another series starting up in Japan this year. The Power Rangers have been around longer than most nerds have been alive. Everyone has that moment where their childhood comes back long enough to say “That was fracking cool!”, this is one of those moments.
Mighty Morphin asskickers
In what could only be described as a “Power Rangers vs an invading robot army” could very well be the “jumping of the shark” for the rangers. The latest series to premiere, the Japanese tokusatsu show Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger, what looks like every single ranger of the last 36 years goes up against an invasion of the intergalactic kind. Watching an orgy of rainbow spandex fighting an army of alien robots just makes the kid in you shit their pants with excitement. It’s like sitting beside yourself and each of you (and the childhood you) giving each other high fives for thirty minutes. While this clip isn’t quite thirty minutes it is still going to be the best two minutes of your life. Those other two minutes with your first time don’t count (those are a separate tier altogether).
Yeah, I don’t get the ending either but their the Power Rangers it’s probably some sort of last minute move Zordon told them about off-screen.