�� bastardcast

The BastardCast vs. The Console Wars and The Revenge Of The Harmon

06-11-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast, Jeremy and Jason talk about E3 and Sony vs. Microsoft, Community‘s salvation, Joss Whedon‘s super secret (and possibly imaginary) plans to make a She-Hulk movie happen, and a way to make superheroes put on some damn underwear again.Also on the show, J.J. Abrams may not be gentle, Man of Steel already gets a sequel, a New Zealander chooses jail once he runs out of Xbox games, George Clooney‘s sexy scrotum, and Justin Bieber heads for space on a mission to save a monkey.

More? Jason puts a knife in the term “Boom” and replaces it with something better, and the boys tell the forbidden story of their beard love.

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The Bastardcast: Pixelated for your PLEASURE!

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The BastardCast vs. What’s Next For Doctor Who?

06-05-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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In keeping with Whovian tradition, when a Doctor leaves the show, fans must lose their ever-loving minds parsing every moment that preceded the announcement in search of clues while also wildly speculating about the future of the show and who will be the next TARDIS inhabitant.

Not wanting to be left out in the cold, we invited Nerdbastards and Blastr contributor Matthew Jackson to join us for a special Bastard Bonus Cast that is extra special and a bonus for you, our sexy and flexible listeners. The show is called: “What’s Next for Doctor Who?” and not “What is Doctor Who?” which is a show where Jeremy yells about two hearts while he stands in a closet that he swears is bigger on the inside.

Here is what you get when you choose to press play on this show, “The Bastard Bonus Cast: What’s Next for Doctor Who?”

- Matt Smith’s Legacy as The Doctor
- The Future of Doctor Who and Matt Smith’s Career
- Steven Moffat’s Time as Showrunner
- And Our Picks for The Next Doctor and the great debate about changing the Doctor’s race and/or sex.

So, press play because this shit is Timetastic!

The Bastard Bonus Cast, Where my tribble’s at?

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The BastardCast vs. Sneezing Tits, Grumpy Cats, and Taco Thieves

05-31-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

This week on The Bastardcast, Jeremy and Jason talk about Grumpy Cat the cinema film, the chances that Dan Harmon will supplant Moses, the cost/benefit analysis of seeing a movie solely for Starbuck side-boob, and the uselessness of time capsules.

Also on the show: Fans call in to make Jeremy eat strange things he finds in his office, Jason juggles a set of flaming balls, and the fella’s both discuss the Xbox One and learn that lying is wrong.

Then, Jason uses up his remaining 20 seconds of Doctor Who rant time to talk about racism in the Whoverse… quickly, and in Trailergasm, the boys celebrate the Taco Time cross-promotion with Machete Kills and the death of innocence with Planes.

You require more sustenance? Fine, grab a straw and suck because we’ve got Whoopi Goldberg riding a dinosaur into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, concerns about a new race of sex crazed lady folk, the Kickstarter of Porn (Melissa Joan Hart, there is still hope for you!) and the guys loved Arrested Development and want to tell you all about it.

All that and the death of a beloved character for no reason at all on The Bastardcast!

The Bastardcast, sprinkles make everything better!

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The BastardCast vs The First Annual BastardCast First Anniversary Special!

05-23-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast, Jason and Jeremy come together to celebrate the show’s one year anniversary while still managing to talk about Star Trek Into Darkness, Chris Nolan’s Bat-Bond, Doctor Who, and the art of Bea Arthur’s pricey yet magical mams.

Also on the show, the fellas discuss the tale of the tape for a fight between Whovians and Star Wars fans, Pac Rim‘s 70 minute orgasm delivery system, Schwarzenegger’s toxic new roll (that was a lazy description but I’m still drunk from the Anniversary Party), the Office finale, the atrocity that is Pac Rim mock-off Atlantic Rim, that Ludicris seal of approval, and the death of the friggin terrible Zombieland TV show that died because we’re all awful to awful things or something.

You need more, don’t you? Fine! This is one fat friggin taco of a show! You wanna hear about Rob Liefeld‘s new Kickstarter (which is, for the record, NOT called “The Adventures of Tiny Foot and Titbutt”)? How about Canadian Jesus and the Jimmy Olsen AIDS Initiative? You got it! How about another nail in Nintendo‘s coffin, the Disney black-market where handi-capes are making a killing, and the saga of a 10 foot Robocop and his pending siege on the city of Detroit? Sure!

Is that enough freaking show for you? No?!?! SCREW YOU, we’ve got all that and an a cavalcade of easter eggs from the show’s rich (LIE) history, a never-before-shared story about the time the boys tried to interview a pornstar, AND a bunch of shitty impressions. If you want more, I suggest you go mount a unicorn named Bo Jackson and ride off to the magical kingdom of fairytales and superior podcasts where Leslie Nielsen is still alive, the 3 titted chick from Total Recall is mayor, and Simon and Simon is still on the air. All of that, plus, a song about blowjobs on THE BASTARDCAST!

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The Bastardcast: Hell yeah, we’re giggle dealers and proud men with tits and opinions.

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The BastardCast vs. Dinos, Lion Tacos, Sandy Bullock, and the Message Peen

05-13-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast, Megan Fox bounces on a trampoline, Jeremy and Jason advance the theory that Jurassic Park 4‘s delay was caused by a raptor attack, and then they talk about your Mom when discussing the latest Dungeons and Dragons movie.

Also on the show: Rubber cocks replace carrier pigeons, Marvel bets on black (and also the awesome power of Danny Rand’s V-neck), the IT Crowd tries to turn itself back on again (I’m sorry), and the boys discuss why the term “shot for shot remake” might not be the best choice of words when discussing the new Crow movie.

Do you require more giggle flakes in your bowl? Fine. We’ve also got an ALL NEW Trailergasm, and this time, our two fat assholes are talking about casting Sandra Bullock out into the dark nethers of space, one last lick of cornetto, and a boy named Ender that they don’t care about.

Holy crap this is a full show!… is a thing that you could accurately put in that iTunes review that you’ve been meaning to write, because we’ve also got the (brief) return of Taco Talk 2-Nite in “Taco Talk 2-Nite 2: Taquería Exotica”, and Jason teaches us all a little something about love.

All of that, the Handicapped Cadillac Trumpet Detective, and more on this week’s episode of The Bastardcast!

The Bastardcast: Taking you in a manly yet awkward way since 2012.

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The BastardCast vs. Marvel Comics, Tom Cruise, and The Terrible Secret Of Jason’s Couch

05-04-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on the supple Bastardcast, your mother lets Jeremy and Jason out of her bed long enough to talk about Free Comic Book Day, Doctorless Who and the Time Lord’s E-Harmony account, the great Marvel vs. DC debate, and the return of four classic Marvel characters to the Disney owned Marvel Movie Universe that will now be completely ignored after being totally abandoned. So, welcome back Matt Murdock!

Also on the show: Fanboys have Fury over Human Torch casting rumor, Ray-J and Brandy (or possibly another pair of siblings) joining the Avengers if “sources” are to be believed, Jim Gaffigan doesn’t care about your toenails and we don’t care about the resulting controversy, and stop, collaborate, and listen as Ziggy Stardust Jr. compares Tom Cruise to Vanilla Ice.

Do you demand more? Alrighty, Jason performs emergency surgery on a couch that may contain a pathway to another dimension, Charlie Day rides a robot like a bronco while it pinata’s the head of a monster with the whooping stick made of 100% boat, and the boys sing an ode to Grand Theft Auto Trevor, patron saint of fucking shit up and wife-beater tees.

All that, vaginal care products, fresh meat for the Hall of Excellence, and the continuing search for Jeremy’s stolen Batman colorforms on this week’s episode of The Bastardcast.

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The Bastardcast: Please don’t listen to us while you masturbate.

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The BastardCast vs. the Specter of George Lucas and the Spectacle of Daniel Aykroyd

04-28-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast, which is a thing you apparently listen to, Jeremy and Jason discuss why Dan Aykroyd‘s hope tastes like tumor salad. Also, the great question of life is asked: why is Futurama no longer a TV show but Vanilla Ice churning freaking butter is?

Wait! There are more things! Can JJ Abrams woo George Lucas away from the butter sculpting circuit (and if not, will Lucas align with Vanilla Ice to form the unstoppable butter-duo “Ice Ice Jawa”?)

Also, do robot’s draw dicks on mars and order pizza via Xbox because they are freaking douche bags? Is Joss Whedon pulling an us while really mailing it in with SHIELD? Will there ever be a good Daredevil movie? Do you even remember the long abandoned Bastardcast VERSUS segment? And who is the biggest one-eyed freaking badass on Earth: Nick Fury or Snake Plissken?

We don’t know the answer to any of this stuff, but we do know that Anthony Michael Hall and Ethan Embry’s work on a banner and a jacket to welcome Ed Helms to the Rusty Grisswold club is a COMPLETE FREAKING WASTE!

All of that and our slightly tardy 2010 Winter Movie Preview, on The Bastardcast!

The Bastardcast: Can we say fuck on here?

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The Bastardcast vs. Superman, Magic Underwear, and Motha-Smurfin Jamie Foxx

04-22-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast, Jason and Jeremy talk about a nightmare Justice League cast, why Smurfs hate Jamie Foxx, why Guillermo del Toro (like many others) hates Michael Bay, why everybody hates Gwyneth Paltrow, and how a bunch of toys that were designed in 1979, might be the key to solving all the lingering questions from Prometheus.

Also on the show: The boys investigate what both G-Pal (we call her G-Pal now) and Iron Man smell like, what it would be like if Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced Kelly LeBrock in the Weird Science remake, how Porn Inspector would look on a resume, and why Patton Oswalt, the guy from Monk, and Superman are freaking awesome, and possibly the same person (bum! Bum!! BUM!!!).

If that gets your blood pumping, don’t miss Jeremy traumatizing his son, and Jason calling for hand job flavored cough medicine before raging about his uncapitalized upon rumble pack masturbatory aide invention and the magical vibrating underthings that are swooping in to capitalize on that market. ‘

All that and unicorn recipes that will make your head spin, on The Bastardcast.

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The Bastardcast: Your mother’s dirty secret.

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The BastardCast vs Sex Bots and Patrick Swayze’s Ghost

04-13-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast: Jason and Jeremy return from their tour of Yo Momma to talk about the big drama surrounding a little bit of peen in Saga #12, a Game of Thrones fan’s Craigslist enabled sexy time fantasy, and world renowned sugar-tit enthusiast Mel Gibson’s possible directorial return for The Expendables vs. The Macabees: A Time Travel Adventure, aka Expendables 3.

Also on the show: Would you have sex with a robot? 9% of you would according to a new poll and apparently 50% of our adventurous hosts would as well. So, yeah, we’ll be dedicating some time to discuss Cylon banging.

We’ll also tackle the sale Shatner’s phaser, the return of Carrie Kelley to Batman comics, the departure of Microsoft’s former creative director and chief gamer pisser off-er, the sacrificial lamb that is Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Warner Bros. big DC movie plans, TV’s favorite couple (TEAM KADEEM!), and Jeremy and Jason try to figure out why Jodie Foster is rocking a smart pantsuit 140 years into the future in the somewhat District 9-y Elysium trailer.

All that and a lyrical ode to Axel Rose’ bulge on… The Bastardcast.

The Bastardcast: Nucking Futs and horrendously bad at spelling.

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The BastardCast vs. Time Traveling Zombie Dragons

03-31-13 • Featured Posted by Team Bastard

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This week on The Bastardcast, Jeremy and Jason welcome Nerdbastard and Blastr word pooper-outer Mathew Jackson to venture out into the super unknown and discuss the burden in Jon Hamm‘s hand (wordboy means his dick, “Hamm Dickgate Part 2″), the majesty of Zombie Time Traveling Dragon Weekend, aka Time Traveling Dragon Zombie Weekend, aka… you get the picture… Doctor Who and Game of Thrones are back! The Walking Dead is going away! We’re talking about it!!

Also on the show!

Can Independence Day 2 and Independence Day 3 outshine the original while blowing up the outside world? Ash Williams has been away too long, will the rumored Army of Darkness sequel live to rise? Not enough for you? How about Jason becoming a born again Nerdist fan and the mystery of Heisenberg’s stolen script, bitch!?

Holy great pillowy boob-resembley cloud in the sky! You want more? Fine, how about we talk about a great innovation in sexy time? A bacon condom that both looks and tastes like bacon when you have bacon-y big dumb sex? How about that slice of butter fried greatness? We don’t even care that the Vandelay Industries pastrami flavored condom never took off, this is better!

C’mon folks, WRAP YOUR HAMM IN BACON AND DELTA YOUR BURKE!!! (Listen to the show to get that reference.)