Stupid

An unnamed Chinese man recently purchased an in-game sword as part of an auction for the martial arts themed MMORPG Age of Wulin, set to be released soon in China. How much did he spend (Keep in mind the the value of money is totally relative; at least that’s what I tell myself)? *In Vegeta voice* SIXTEEN THOUSAAAAAND! Fuck…

It’s ridiculous that anyone would spend that amount of money on a game that’s not even out. Regardless, he got it for luxury and status, and because he could.

Age of Wulin is set in medieval China, and based on the folklore surrounding martial arts and the adventurers who practice it. The English version of Age of Wulin is expected to be available, initially as a closed beta shortly after the Chinese open beta in Spring 2012.

Other items sold include a sheath for Hook of Departure—sold for $1,600—and a Lordly Spear Sheath—sold for $2,500.

Via: Geekologie

*Sigh* Possible Star Wars Blu-Ray Set Cover Art

Oh GAWD! What you see before you is rumored to be the decided cover art for the complete Star Wars Blu-Ray Set. I don’t so much mind the paint-by-numbers water colored Tatooine, or the semi transparent Luke, it’s Lil’ Anakin right in the fucking middle that has me shaken a fist while I curse “damn you George Lucas. Damn you!”. First of all, I hate Jake Lloyd. His Beiber haircut (before it was known as “the Beiber”) and shitty acting was almost as disgusting as Hayden Christensen’s. I wanted to punch him then and I want to punch him now. Secondly, clearly Lucas is visually asserting how much more he cares about the prequels rather than the original holy trinity. Oh don’t give me ‘the box art does make sense because the six movies are the story of Anakin Skywalker‘ rhetoric. Fuck off! Your argument invalid. Lil’ Annie never set foot on the Lars homestead, dipshit.

*sigh* George Lucas is really good at making me forget that I love Star Wars.

I for one will not be buying this. Not only for the reason above, but because it will not include the original unedited versions of the original trilogy. I don’t care how good SW looks on Blu-Ray, or how many special features the set includes, I want my child hood back bitch!. I also don’t have a Blu-Ray player. I find the damn things stupid as fuck.

Lucas is Palpatine!

source: ToplessRobot


Stupid is as stupid does. Which explains why I’m mildly retarded. However, one stupid thing I would never do is reboot a cult goth classic like The Crow. Yes sir. Some asshats have decided to dishonor the cultural significance of the original 1994, comicbook based film -which starred Brandon Lee as Eric Draven who was brutally murdered and comes back to life to hunt and kill the people responsible for his and his fiancée’s murder- by kick-starting a remake. I think we want a remake like we want to stick our genitals in a blender. Side question: Is sticking your junk in a blender a fetish? I dunno, I can’t keep track of all the bizarre sexual shit weirdos are into nowadays.

Actually, this new version of the Crow has been in the works for a while now. Once with Stephen Norrington at the helm and Nick Cave rewriting the director’s script. For a fleeting moment Mark Wahlberg was attached, but all of these people walked away before the end of 2010, reportedly because a new actor came on board and wanted a new writer to make big changes to the script. Since then word has been vague.

Well, we officially have word that 28 Weeks Later director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo is now set to direct The Crow reboot. I dunno what’s worse. The fact that this new Crow imagining is moving forward or that the guy asked to do it makes me hungry for a burrito. 1 grande supreme please.

I think I speak for everyone when I say Brandon Lee is the only fucking Crow, so unless they’re planning to reanimate him, this shouldn’t happen.

While details of the script are unknown, production of this new Crow is set for the fall of 2011.

READ THE PRESS RELEASE AFTER THE JUMP

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Do you have any faith in FOX’s prequel/reboot of Planet of The Apes? OK, that’s kind of a stupid question. This is FOX we’re talking about. Hmmm, how do I rephrase that? I guess I can’t. Really, is there any one out there rootin’ for this this flick? *In Ben Stein voice* Anyone…anyone?

Anyway, for the 2 or 3 fanboys that care, the title ‘Rise of the Apes’ has been changed to ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘. Huh? Ya, *thumb up my ass* I dunno. Somebody please explain to me why the heck does a good portion of movie titles nowadays feature the word “rise”.

OK, as unnecessary as the title sounds it kinda makes sense. Lets see, we have Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, Battle for the Planet of the Apes. I guess when you look at it that way it’s really not that out of place. Falls in line with previous installments. Still doesn’t make it sound any less stupid.

Now, as I’ve let on, I’m not excited about this flick. I’m not stupid enough to stand in front of the FOX cage and wait for the proverbial poo to be flung at me. However, I can’t ignore some of the promising developments.

1. Apes look good. FOX released a teaser image of one of the apes (above). That is indeed a damned dirty ape.

2. James Franco and Andy Serkis are the leading roles. Franco plays “a young, driven scientist who becomes a crucial figure in the war between humans and apes.” Serkis plays the ape Ceasar who leads the ape revolt. Who doesn’t love these guys? OK, I must say I’m starting to dislike James Franco. There’s something new about him that bothers me. I think it’s his face. It has a mind of it’s own. It’s like self aware silly putty.

3. It’s allegory. Fox has released the official plot synopsis:

…an origin story in the truest sense of the term. Set in present day San Francisco, the film is a reality-based cautionary tale, a science fiction/science fact blend, where man’s own experiments with genetic engineering lead to the development of intelligence in apes and the onset of a war for supremacy.

On paper that sounds like good social commentary.

4. No talking apes. Fox’s Tom Rothman has said that it is “a kind of prequel story before the first story, with a return to the social thematics that mark the first one, but with an entirely contemporary setting – Earth 2009.” The film won’t have talking monkeys and will not end with chimps taking over Earth.

The 2011 version of this ‘Ape rising’ movie will try and correct the wrongs of the previous failure led by Mark Wahlberg. Director Rupert Wyatt is trying to bring the franchise back to the basics. Is he capable of doing so? Even with the positives, me thinks not. Thoughts?

 

 

Voltron in Biggest Galactic Fight Yet….Bidding War

Does anyone even want a movie based on Voltron, the early 80’s animated series about 5 robot lions that unite to form a giant space warrior? Especially given that expectation VS. reality hardly ever match up when Hollywood’s involved. You know as with any cartoon property proposed for live-action treatment, that it’s destined to have a farce of a story, crappy acting, be set in America, feature 1 or more bimbo whore in some unnecessary sexy slo-mo scene, have a bunch of explosions and be directed by either Michael Bay or Stephen Sommers. That’s the fate of every beloved child hood cartoon. Voltron and other 80’s animated shows will never be a James Cameron or Christopher Nolan joint. Accept that and more on.

Fore those of you who are clinging on to some remaining bit of false hop, here’s the latest update on Voltron. While our defender of the universe is off fighting some galactic asshole in space, Vulture hears that a bidding war has broken out to finance a Transformers-size blockbuster retelling of the legend of the iconic robotic lions and their human pilots; Ryan Kavanaugh’s deep-pocketed Relativity Media is one of the very interested parties trying to sell itself to World Events Productions, the St. Louis–based company behind the original show.

Voltron has had a hard time making it to the big screen. A film by Mark Gordon (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), with a script by Enzo Marra, was in the works. Marra’s script was described as “a post-apocalyptic tale set in New York City… [in which] five ragtag survivors of an alien attack band together and end up piloting the five lion-shaped robots that combine and form the massive sword-wielding Voltron that helps battle Earth’s invaders.” A property rights battle between World Events Production Company, and Toei Company Ltd. halted it. Meanwhile, Atlas Entertainment producers Charles Roven (The Dark Knight Rises) and Richard Suckle had been developing a script with screenwriters Thomas Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer (who wrote the upcoming Conan the Barbarian reboot), and concept art had leaked last fall. Although, no updates from them beyond concept art have lead fans to believe the project was in turnaround.

In it all, Relativity Media has been the one point of interest and they’re circling the property again, in hopes their big money will win over World Events Production. At any rate, the interest from Relativity is a good sign that this movie could happen.

No word on when it will be brought to the screen, though 2013 seems to be the target date. Can I go back to fapping now?

source: Vulture

ResidentEvil

Resident Evil 5 is happening. Excuse my while I slam my dick in a sliding glass door, repeatedly. ARGHH! Resident Evil Afterlife (4th in the series) was terrible. It was all style and no substance. Awful dialogue, and embarrassingly simplistic storytelling. It was just pubescent eye candy. Slo-mo decapitations and other forms of gory special effects. A 2 hour music video! Bah! I few-king hate that movie. As well as it’s two predecessor (First one I kinda dug).

Well, apparently I’m alone on this because Afterlife outgrossed every single other film in the franchise, including a huge $200 million plus overseas. So now, Screen Gems has just announced that Milla Jovovich will be reprising her role as Alice in the yet-to-be titled fifth Resident Evil film for a theatrical release on September 14th, 2012.

Oi! I can’t imagine what type of human being enjoyed Afterlife, the piece of shit it is, even as a “guilty pleasure.” Regardless, a flick makes $296 million and I can’t say I’m surprised they wanna keep tapping into that well.

You RE fan-boys are welcomed to disagree with my wishes to see more Resident Evil flicks, but this franchise can sniff my taint.

There is no word yet if Paul W.S. Anderson will return to helm the film, or if other cast members will be reprising their roles. Screen Gems recently announced their plans to bring another video game franchise, Devil May Cry, to the silver screen. So in other words, Screen Gems is the devil.

blade_runner_fondo

Long live unoriginality

The sheer amount of movie sequels, reboots, remakes, and films based on recognizable brands ( Comic Books, toy lines and 80’s cartoons..etc) is just fucking ridiculous. I mean shit kid, there will be a record 27 sequels in 2011 alone (2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever). That’s nuts!  This constant need from Hollywood to capitalize on repeating success or making bank on something in the eyes and mind of the public is really getting out of hand. I’m a very zen and patient fella, but even I’m starting to mildly pissed off. Enough is enough. The gamble of repeated success against sullying something that was done right the first time around is just too much of a risk.

Please excuse my rant, but I got thrown in a pissy mood when I heard that Warner Bros. sister company Alcon Entertainment (Reasponsible for the Blind Side and The Book of Eli) are in final discussions to secure film, television and ancillary franchise rights to produce prequels and sequels to Ridley Scott‘s iconic 1982 science-fiction film Blade Runner.

Not many details are known about the situation, but we have been told the following:

Alcon’s franchise rights would be all-inclusive, but exclude rights to remake the original. The Company, however, may produce projects based on situations introduced in the original film. The project would be distributed domestically by Warner Bros. International rights are yet to be determined.


Da fuck! Insert the “NEIN NEIN NEIN” Hitler scene from ‘Inglorious Basterds’. Seriously, is nothing sacred? Well honestly, I’m shocked it took this long for someone to try this. Figured it would have happened a lot sooner.

Oi! This is so unnecessary. I really don’t WANT to know what happens after Blade Runner. There is no way anyone, including Ridley Scott, could make something that could live up to the original. Except for maybe Christopher Nolan. That would be some crazy shit. He’d be the one and only exception, but knowing Hollywood it’ll be some asshole that directed Twilight or that douche who did that Justin Bieber flick.

I think I speak for everyone when I say “Fuck you Warner Bros.”

Read the full press release after the jump.

source: slashfilm

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Admittedly, I don’t give a shit about Akira. I know the Anime is a landmark film in Japanese animation and I’m also aware what a huge cult following it has. The Manga is arguably better, but that’s neither here or there. Blah! Futuristic post-war cities, biker gangs, secret government stuff and physic powers that turn you into a cyborg blob of trash, just doesn’t do anything for me . Put all that into a gay porn and then we can talk. Wait… I meant straight porn. *Derp* The shit is just overrated and so dated.

For the rest of you, how do y’all feel about this PG13, Americanized, live-action Akira that is being planned by Warner Bros.? Albert Hughes is set to direct a script which passed through the hands of several screenwriters, ultimately leading to the hands of Harry Potter screen writer Steve Kloves. Do those names do anything for ya? Or, are you less concerned with the folks attached and more focused on what the hell “Americanized” means? Naturally that means taking a recognizable product or franchise for the share matter of making a quick cash grab. Then gutting and twisting it into a version completely unrecognizable to the source material. Ultimately serving shit with a cherry on top. Kinda like someone fucking your puppy and making you pay to watch.

Recent “supposed” script leaks have revealed some things that will send fan-boys up in arms. *clears throat* The movie will take place in America, not Japan and will be in Neo-Manhattan instead of Neo-Tokyo. Kaneda and Tetsuo are brothers in this version of the story instead of childhood friends. Kaneda Meets Ky (otherwise known as Kei in manga/anime) in jail and she knows a lot more right off the bat than she did in previous versions (manga/anime), as she explains some of the story of the psychic ‘children’ that help awaken Tetsuo’s powers. Speaking of which, here’s a bit of horrible jail dialog-” Honey, we’re both behind bars. And while you’re a real treat to look at, I’ve got a ‘no crazy girl’ policy. So good luck with your quest. I’m sure you’ll find Akira hiding out with the Easter Bunny and Santa someplace.” Nice, huh? On the plus side its said some of the Manga’s thematic elements about drugs and Jesus will make it into the film. Yay?

Please note that io9 got these script pages, and later verified that, yes, they are from an early Akira draft, but that “the version of the script that Kloves is rewriting is reportedly a lot different, although it’s possible that some of these ideas still remain.”

Personally, whatever the final product is I can surely assume it will be utter shit.  It’ll end up looking a little something like this cartoon by Harry Partridge which brings so much truth to this sad joke:

ebay

Seller:
Jamesfilms

Starting Bid:
$2,000,000.00

Buy It Now:
$10,000,000.00

Item Description:

I am selling my story that I have been creating for 10+ years. It can be compared to stories like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Matrix, Indiana Jones and other titles in those categories. This story needs to be completed by a professional writer or Ghost Writer. I would like to meet in person so that I can pass my works on.

I will share my story with someone in person only and not over the internet. My story is too valuable to be spread publicly and will give a lot of new ideas for movies and book series that should belong to the buyer.
ebay requires a physical object to be purchased. This is a CD with my story, as well as printed material, as well as verbal information from me. This will be exchanged person to person.

This story will bring in endless fame and money to anyone who takes it. I do not have money to hire a Ghost Writer and I do not want to die with this story untold

There is a return policy for this auction:

We can go over the story together. You will like the story, but if by chance you do not like it, you can call off your investment opportunity and get any money back. I am confident that any one who hears my story will love to see it unfold and so will you.

This is a great opportunity for everyone involved


I love finding stuff like this on the Internet. Much like that guy who made videos asking for a million dollars, I expect this Ebay auction to end in the same deflated, hoaxy way that the “Give me a million dollars” ended.

What gets me about this is that the guy has spent TEN YEARS and doesn’t have a completed document. I’m betting his high school English teacher is still waiting for his term paper on “The Great Gatsby.” Even Micheal Scott of The Office managed to get his script Threat Level Midnight written and FILMED in ELEVEN YEARS.

Jamesfilms clearly says that a professional writer is need to finish the story . . . I’m betting Mrs Fenders Third Grade class at Bear River Elementary could work out a proper story ending and story board the whole thing in an afternoon of arts and craft class.

I guess (well, I’m fairly certain) my faith in Mr. Jamesfilms story telling abilities dropped (Like a lead balloon) when I noticed that his story would “tople” Star Wars. Is that some new kind of sexual act? Is that anything like a “Rusty Venture?”

https://i0.wp.com/www.abc.net.au/reslib/201012/r694231_5259385.jpg?resize=264%2C353

Ah . . . the glory of seeing something you didn’t really care much about implode in a $65 million dollar boondoggle. The gloriously disastrous musical that is Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, now the butt of every Broadway joke, has decided to drop back and punt by bringing in  Broadway veteran Paul Bogaev. Hired to “help improve the performance, vocal and orchestration arrangements,” Bogaev has his hands full. Bono and the Edge are currently writing new music and the musicals producers are talking to, but have not signed, Spider-Man comic book writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa to re-work some of the book (That’s Broadway for “script” . . . Now you know as much as I do about Broadway). Contrary to blog reports, the production has not hired a new director. Three weeks to go before the show’s fifth scheduled opening on March 15.

Fifth times the charm! I’m sure of it!
Just click those ruby red shoes and say,
“There’s no musical like Spiderman,
There’s no musical like Spiderman!”

 

Now for the salt that’s gonna get rubbed into Julie Taymor’s and Bono’s $65 million dollar wounds. Justin Moran, humorist and playwright, has launched “Spider-man Smackdown”, a guerrilla theater project to write, compose, choreograph, cast, rehearse, and perform a complete musical based on the character Spiderman in New York City before the March 15th opening date of the fifth attempt to open Spiderman: Turn of the Dark on Broadway.

You can check out Moran’s blog for updates and videos about the project like the one below.

“How important is $65 Million in making good theatre?” jokes Moran. “We’re going to develop a story, write a complete musical score and script, design sets and costumes, cast, rehearse, advertise and ultimately mount the production on March 14th, 2011 at the The People’s Improv Theatre in NYC.”

That $65 million is very important, without that you can’t buy enough doughnuts to keep the Unions happy. There are many theatre unions, Actors Equity Association (for actors and stage managers), the Stage Directors and Choreographers Society (SDC), and the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees (IATSE, for designers and technicians). Many theatres require that their staff be members of these organizations.

New York City
Two Musicals Enter
One Musical Leaves
Welcome to Musical Thunderdome!
sources: slashfilmtoplessrobot