It takes alot for me to hang my head low at a movie. My passion for Ridley Scott’s new Robin Hood has been goose bumping me for months and besides Iron Man 2, was my 2nd pick for Awesomest Summer Movie. I heard the day of the premiere from 2 sources “Tsk, I’ve heard, not so good things about it…”

I put my fingers in my ears and shouted, “NOPE! I WILL love that movie, there is no way I can’t. Not with that star lineup, anyway. So I’m keeping this review short and sweet, strictly out of Nerdbastard suicide.

Russel Crowe is Robin Longstride, no, not a D&D PC but Robin Hood PLUNDERING his way home from the crusades with King Richard in France. After King Richard is killed in combat** Robin deserts with movie comic relief Little John, Will Scarlett and a dude with a lute. All while King John has taken Richards place on the thrown. Along with King Richard is his trusted friend and newly appointed Marshal who he betrays to France, is Godfrey (The awesome Marc Strong from Sherlock Holmes).** On the way home Robin and his Merry Men (The only thing merry about this film) assume the rank of knights and promise to return the sword of….ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY to Maid MARION OF LOCKSLEY! Upon arrival the old man of the house with great gratitude for Robin wants him to pretend he is Robin Locksley…YOU STILL FOLLOWING ME????

Now the next 2 hours is basically Robin and Marion falling in love and hanging around the town of Nottingham.** So Godfrey is going from town to town robbing and butchering everyone in the name of King John to incite a civil war so France can invade** and Robin unites them all under King John to attack the French in the 2nd battle scene of the movie.

OKAY!!! ***These markers are all the part where Ridley Scott had the tenacity to use fiction in the “Untold” tale of Robin Longstride…I mean Robin Hood. Scott couldn’t capture that same ebb flow and passion that made Gladiator perfection, or the under appreciated MASTERPIECE Kingdom of Heaven, and even the dirty and gritty Body of Lies. Ridley Scott has made his first PG-13 film in a long while, and while he has a masterworks eye for making every scene shot and cut a beautifully crafted moving portrait, I feel like he tied his hands up a bit without his usual R-Rating. Crowe also is very good as Robin with THREE jokes and scenes where he cracks a smile, his merry men are the dudes who really steal the film. Playing Little John is Kevin Durand (The Blob from X-Men Origins, Gabriel from Legion and one of the EPIC Tremor Brothers from Smokin’ Aces), he plays him with a 6’8″ finesse and humility that make him a hilarious addition and badass in the battle scenes.

Disappointment is hardly a word I can use. I am, to use the words of the great Luke Gallagher (head writer of Nerdbastards) “Flubbergasted”. They end the film with the words “And SO The Legend Begins!!…”

I actually stood up in the theater and said “What the fuck was THAT about!” Scott ain’t making a sequel boys and girls, and if he does, no one will go see it, and if they DO, it will need to be Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman. I just have no more words except, I LOVE period piece film, especially long, drawn out ones where Kings and Queens talk about bullshit for 3 hours. This was rape. It was like the episode of South Park where George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are constantly raping Indiana Jones…IT FELT JUST LIKE THAT.

If this movie comes in first this weekend over Iron Man 2, I won’t be surprised, but the reviews are going to be harsh. I had no doubt that this film was going to blow me away, and it did, just in a way that is leaving me feel empty for the rest of the summer…..

…..I apologize to my Nerdbastards, but the movie of the weekend, honestly? Was the charmingly sweet and funny Letters to Juliet.

I KNOW, THAT IS HOW BAD ROBIN HOOD WAS!!!!!!!! To quote the much missed band Sublime, “So I ran away and I’m sorry when I say that straight to this very day it was the WRONG WAY”

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