Review: ‘Immortals’

Allow me summarize this move in three letters.


Since the first whispers of this movie began hitting the net, the marketing, of which a substantial part of the movies budget went to, has tried to cram down our throats the fact that this abortion of Greek mythology comes from the same producer that brought us 300, Mark Canton. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Canton, this is the same man responsible for producing the atrocities that were Red Planet and Godsend. If these names fail to illicit any memories then consider yourself a member of the lucky few that were spared. Sure, 300 was awesome, but you take enough shots in the dark and eventually you’re bound to hit something. Just in case you missed how much they really want you to know it comes from the same producer, you can listen to any trailer or simply check above the title where this little gem of information is prominently displayed.

MORE after the jump

The movie is presented in both standard format and 3D, but let me save you the three to six bucks you’re going to pay as a premium to watch this in 3D by simply telling you that your money is better spent in the arcade or on a thimble sized movie soda.

The advertising goes to great lengths to present this movie as being in brilliant shining 3D, but, really, you’re just left feeling like the technology was poorly implemented and lacks the depth or dimension that bar setters like Avatar or Pirates of the Caribbean showed us is possible. Of course, those movies where filmed in 3D and didn’t require the lengthy post production conversion that Immortals did. This movie, however, feels like it really really wanted to be filmed in 3D. Hell, we might even be able to look past the mediocre plot if it had been one long eyegasm. You know, like we did with Avatar.

Which, unfortunately, brings me to the plot. I want you to know how much I wanted to love this movie. I love Greek mythology. I’m currently in two Scion campaigns and I’m crazy for Clash of the Titans (original not remake). I really wanted this movie to be this generation’s Clash (You know, because this generation’s Clash failed at being this generation’s Clash), but, sadly, it’s pedestrian in comparison.

The script follows the formula that all epics have been using for decades. If you’re not familiar with how epics work, it’s simple. You take a grand musical score, a big bad that’s easy to hate, a larger than life hero, and a collection of likable secondary characters. It’s a formula that’s been implemented to great effect by such notables as Akira Kurasawa and George Lucas and originally made famous by such big names as Homer and Virgil of the Odyssey and Aeneid fame, respectively.

Unfortunately, this is where it falls apart. The big bad, Mickey Rourke, is downright likable. Seriously, at certain points in the film, you just really want him to win. He’s just as noble as the hero, albeit a bit more sadistic. He has a sob story and a big epic goal. Really, the movie should have been about him instead of Henry Cavill’s Theseus who never comes off as more than a giant bundle of abs and mantastic testosterone driven “don’t give a fuck.” Also, he loves his mother. Along the way, he picks up some secondary characters, a thief that fails to be Han played by Stephen Dorff and a virgin oracle played by Frieda Pinto who gives it up faster than a thirty year old shut-in at Comic Con.

At least the music was a surprising high point. Every piece was composed by Trevor Morris, who is better known as the guy who brilliantly scored every season of The Tudors.

Oh and, at some point, there were some gods. Not very many of them, mind you. The entire Greek pantheon was apparently off doing other things and they could only round up the gods that were covered head to toe in gold lamé and decked out with head gear that would make drag queens proud. “Here, mankind, are those that will liberate you from the Titans…after they finish applying their body glitter and eye shadow.”

This one is better left for the budget theater or simply watched later on Netflix.

*EDITORS NOTE: Special thanks to Nerd Bastards guest writer Bert Garcia for reviewing the flick. You’ve saved us the trouble bro. By the way, Bert’s a good doobie, a true nerd bastard. You should follow him @beyondtheautumn.

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