As Hollywood systematically remakes each and every movie from the 80s its nice to see you can get a slice of action on the cheap. Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment, has put his script for a Roadhouse remake up for sale on Craigslist. As Welzien put it ‘you’ll feast your eyes on a taste of the gold‘ and it is ‘the film America’s been cravin’ for.’

Not sold yet? How about this, he also inexplicably states it will star restaurateur, television personality, and game show host Guy Fieri! PLUS, Welzien will also co-star in the movie to help you keep costs low.

How can this fail?

If you’re still not sold you can check out an excerpt from the opening scene of Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don’t Hurt after the jump.

CAPTAIN KARL: Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it’s a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).

GUY COOLER: Yeah, it’s so money. Thanks for lettin’ me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.

CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.

GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the “Cheetos on anything for an extra $1” idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.

GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)

Here is another taste of gold.

(Some idiot named “Tino” walks out from behind Doug. He’s a real piece of trash. Probably couldn’t even do 10 ‘shups. Guy Cooler tries not to fight him ’cause that’s his code, but in the end, he has to crush his face in like a thousand times ’cause he had no choice. It’s sad, but it happens right when Van Halen is rockin’ “Somebody Get Me A Doctor” so it’s actually one of the coolest things that’s ever happened.)

DOUG CARLSON: You just smashed up the toughest guy in my crew! You’ll pay for this!

(Van Halen is still rockin’. But now it’s “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.”)

CAPTAIN KARL: I’d hit the bricks if I were you. Unless you wanna have a pose down, bad boy style.

(Captain Karl rips his shirt off. You can tell he’s been workin’ out and eatin’ right just in case he has to get it on.)

DOUG CARLSON (shaking in his shoes): Tino! You pile of garbage! Get off the floor and stop bleedin’. Let’s get outta here. Karl, I’ll see you again. And Guy Cooler, you better watch your back.

GUY COOLER: ‘Nah, I think I’ll let my main man Captain Karl watch it for me.

CAPTAIN KARL: Guy code. (winks)

Guy code indeed….

On a semi-related note. I’m tossing my own hat in the ring of possible Roadhouse remakes. If you pass on Welzien’s, maybe my unicorn centric take is more your style. Hollywood, I await your call.

Source: Warming Glow

Category: Film

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