Sweet Zombie Jesus! PLEASE tell me this is a practical joke. (the poster is fake, at least: it’s by tclarke597 of Deviantart.) Only the brave should follow me after the jump.
Okay, I’m gonna report on this like it’s a real movie–but fuck you if you think I’m gonna take it seriously:
Yes, the story is that someone seems to think an all-female addition to The Expendables franchise is a good idea…and y’know what? If done right, with the affection for the action genre displayed by the makers of the first two films, it COULD be a good idea….
But take a good, long look at the kind of movie Millenium Films apparently wants to inflict upon us (special “thanks” to Deadline for supplying this synopsis)
When America’s Navy SEALs are wiped out trying to penetrate the island lair of a deadly despot who has captured one of the world’s top nuclear scientists, it becomes clear that there is no such thing as the right man for the job and that this is a mission so impossible that only women can handle it. The only way in: some of the world’s deadliest female operatives must pose as high-class call-girls shipped in by private plane to satisfy a dictator–and instead save the scientist and the day.
I have no words.
This supposed project will be helmed by Robert Luketic, who is to blame for such dubious acts of filmmaking as Legally Blonde, 21, The Ugly Truth, Killers, and Paranoia (though in all fairness–I like Legally Blonde).
Luketic will be reunited with Legally Blonde writers Kirsten Smith and Karen McCullah, and Sylvester Stallone will produce…which makes me sad in ways I have difficulty expressing adequately.
So who are the lucky actresses that’ll be setting women in film back a good 50 years? Well, Millenium Films head honcho Avi Lerner has reportedly been in talks with Meryl Streep, Cameron Diaz and Milla Jovovich…..
Ever wanted to cry and vomit at the same time?
Oh, but there’s more! Reportedly Gina Carano and (oh…say it ain’t so!) Katee Sackhoff will be participating in this crime against cinema, and there have been whisperings about the participation of essentially everyone in Hollywood with a pair of X chromosomes that’s ever held a gun or thrown a punch, including: Sigourney Weaver, Linda Hamilton, Halle Berry, Carrie-Anne Moss, Geena Davis, Jennifer Garner, Kate Beckinsale, Sandra Bullock, Michelle Yeoh, Rhona Mitra, Chloe Moretz, Uma Thurman, Lucy Lawless, Angela Bassett, Michelle Rodriguez, Lucy Liu, Pam Grier, and Brigitte Nielsen.
I still don’t know if this isn’t just an elaborate prank….
I’m not saying Hollywood isn’t capable of making a movie this atrocious, I’m just saying if I was gonna make up a fake plot to an all-female Expendables, the “real” plot to this movie is EXACTLY what I would come up with.
If it IS real, I’d like to apologize in advance–on behalf of the entire male gender.