So today I wake up, which already puts me in a terrible mood,  load some of my favorite computer news sites, and everything on those sites is basically related to Apple. Apple… really? They apparently came out with a cool mouse, some new laptop, and a new iMac. Last time I used an iMac (I was forced to), was back in high school graphics class, around 2003. What a chore it was to use those things. They were slower than a giant vat of molasses trying to spill uphill in Antarctica. It took for-fucking-ever to make simple, immature edits to a Home Depot sign so it would read “Homo Depot”… a “project” I took upon on my own and actually got praise for, even though my teacher was shaking his head (I rule).

There is good reason to report on Apple, they keep making way more money than most experts expect and it has everyone in a douche bag frenzy. People are buying up iPods like it’s sex with (insert your fantasy lay’s name here) and iPhones are also selling very very well. They have also seen a massive increase in computer sales as well, despite a fledgling world-wide economy. Apple is on top of the stupid, brand-loving world right now. People just can not stop themselves from blowing insane amounts of cash for shit they can probably get somewhere else for much less.

I do applaud Apple for the way they can get people to pay so much for their fashionable computers. I just can’t justify paying $2,500 for a computer with similar specs to a computer I found on the second my computer loaded up that is just under $1,000. That computer on Newegg also has a sweet combo deal right now that pairs the PC with a 24″ lcd monitor for $1,230 bucks. That is under half of the cost of the Mac Pro. The Mac Pro also doesn’t come with a monitor, but you can get a 24″ one with it for $899 more. Deal of the century? To a complete moron, it most certainly is.

So lets just pretend that I am asshole (I said PRETEND, bitch). I am now walking out of a Starbucks with a six dollar cappuccino. I get into my terrible Prius and silently drive towards the nearest all-male bathhouse Apple store so I can get a sweet computer. I really want to get bent over backwards and raped by a salesman so I let him coax me into buying a Mac Pro. The standard Mac Pro isn’t good enough so I am gonna modify this bitch up. By “modify” I mean “add another graphics card and a 24″ LED cinema display monitor”. I get up to the counter and the register flashes up with $4025.88 (I chose a 6% sales tax) and I am elated because I can now be complete. My dream computer is now mine. I charge it, obviously, because cash has cooties.

Let’s now pretend that I am a different asshole. I pull out of the drive-thru at Taco Bell and devour my cheesy double beef burritos (with no rice) with extreme haste. My car is whatever I could afford and didn’t completely hate. I need a computer that can do most shit no problem and do it fast. I get on and look up that computer I heard some angry fat guy rant about on Nerd Bastards. There it is, $999. I too want to modify that motherbitch up. Oh look, that 24″ monitor deal sounds pretty awesome, but I think I will pass. I am going take it to the next level, then improve upon it more. A 24″ monitor is very impressive, but I’m not here to fuck around so I add a 50″ Panasonic VIERA plasma HDTV for less than $800. A 1 gig GDDR5 graphics card for $159, 5.1 Logitech surround sound system for $144, Razer Lycosa keyboard for $80, Razer Death Adder mouse for $50, and a chicken alfredo bread bowl from Domino’s for $6.99. Let’s add that shit up… $2360.58. Now here comes the best part… buy motherfucking OS-X Leopard and install it on the comp you just got. Upgrade to Snow Leopard too, just the for the fuck of it. That is like, another $330 onto the price. so for like $2700 bucks you have a nasty set up with way more shit than you would if you have gone to the Apple store and bought a lousy Mac Pro. That is also all theory based as I have no idea if Razer software works on Mac and if it didn’t I wouldn’t be surprised… but you get the point. You can also say “Fuck you, man!” by downloading Ubuntu and never worry about buying another operating system again because that shit is free. Forever.

iPods are also a pain in my ass too. Not the sensible 160 gig iPod Classic, that is actually a great little device, but the iPod Touch is an offender. It should be listed as a sexual offender because of how many people it has raped, directly in the bum bum. I am not a fan of buying a new anything every year. Apple every year comes out with a barely better version that should have been out in the first place. A Genius sales exercise. People will line up to buy this crap like a day before it is even released. 64 gigs of storage now? It’s about fucking time. Didn’t your iPod do that like 4 years ago? It’s cool that you can, when within range of a wireless network, watch videos on youtube, or porn, or browse websites, but what about listening to fucking music? Everyone is such a slave to media it isn’t even funny. As if updating on twitter wasn’t easy enough through your phone now, you can also do it through your iPod Touch. There is the App Store on it as well. Just what every ADD-ridden person needs. Pony up for an iPhone, jailbreak it, unlock it, (all free through software, look it up, it’s incredibly easy) and you can have a new phone and a portable idiot box at the same time!

Apple is raking in the dough that ignorant, “me too!”, fashionable douche-nuggets throw at them. Don’t fall for that shit. Just because every facet of the media is lodging Apple’s stark erection deep within the first 4 inches of their mouths doesn’t mean you should follow suit. This is a company that when iPod batteries started dying from the original set, they basically told you to buy another one. So as you can tell, I can’t stand this Apple shit, so when I loaded up Gizmodo and Engadet and both sites were tonsils deep on Apple dick, I tweaked. The sites started with “unboxing” articles. Lets fucking fellate further them by posting a blog article about the fucking UNBOXING of a laptop. The whole unboxing thing is downright lame. I have nothing to write/make a video about this device yet, so lets waste people’s time by making a 4 minute video of me unwrapping stuff. I am going to do the same thing for Christmas. I am going to make a video of me unwrapping my gifts and post it up online. Better yet… I am going to a poverty-stricken 3rd world country and unwrapping my shit in front of the little kids’ faces. That will be infinitely cooler than other people’s boring unboxing videos. This unboxing stuff is also all over cellphone sites and Youtube. The Youtube ones are hilarious because it’s mostly people that have no authority to be showing anyone anything, let alone posting a video about it. That is garbage that Oscar The Grouch wouldn’t even live in. (P.S. Fuck Christmas)

People are reporting that experts were “shocked” how much money Apple has been making. I’m no financial expert but I am not surprised one bit. How many people do you know that have an iPod or iPhone? How many ignorant college students go out and buy Macbooks because their school recommended it? “Oooooo you can’t get viruses on a Mac!” Well fuck you, I don’t get viruses on my piece of shit $500 Vista pc with a quad-core AMD Phenom processor, 4 gigs of DDR2 ram, and a 600 gb HDD. (I’d like to see you get a Mac with those specs for that price) You don’t get viruses if you don’t browse the internet like a fucking moron. Plain and simple: Get educated before you happily gallivant around from website to website barefoot and listening to the Mamas and the Papas like nothing will ever happen to you. You get careless, you get in trouble. It is that easy.

Look at it this way. Based on operating system usage statistics, Mac operating systems counted for 5.12% in September, last month for those of you who had forgotten. If  you include the iPhone usage as “Mac”, then it is 5.47%. Windows was ballin’ with a 92.77% market share. Apple has a very long way to go before it can dream to catch up to even Windows Vista, which had an 18.62% market share. Windows XP still dominates at 71.51%… damn.

I honestly would love to write more but I just remembered that Maddox, from The Best Page in the Universe said it before and probably a tiny bit better than I could have… Although if you are reading this, Maddox, I would love to have an arm-hair off with you at some point in time. Not because I think I would win, because I wouldn’t. Actually, I have no idea why.

So in closing… I rule. Mac/Apple fanatics fail. Bread bowls from Dominos are bad ass. You can now buy me that 50″ Panasonic TV. Seriously. Do it, now.

Category: Nerd Culture, WTF?

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