J. Jonah Jollyson

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I TOLDYA! Spider-Menace Finally Caught in His Own Web!

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For years, I bled ink onto newsprint (which was a thing before all the paper’s died and good men like me turned to generic booze and sad blog jobs), railing about the menace that was the Spider-Man. But in a city full of lunkheads, he kept swinging free. Some even called him a hero, but now we know the true story.

Vindication, you taste sweeter than a fresh rolled cohiba.

I am once again accusing the Spider-Man of being a criminal, but this time, I say this with a smile and with pictures and police reports to back me up. Pittsburgh police have arrested a man dressed up in the familiar garb of the Spider-Man. They say he went into a place called Atwood Xpress at around 1 AM and tried to rob the place. A real citizen hero tried to use a taser on Spider-Man, but he fled.

End of story? Spider-Man once again lives to plunder another sun soaked day with his dark and dastardly deeds! Not this time. This time, the itsy bitsy spider got tangled in his web and washed out by authorities who are charging him with one count of robbery.

Some will say that they are shocked. They’re appalled! Maybe even flummoxed. They’ll say that good old Spidey hasn’t been himself lately, but I beg to differ. This seems like exactly the kind of shenanigans that Spider-Man would pull off. I’m just glad it didn’t happen in New York — Spider-Crook has hurt that city enough already, if you ask me.

Speaking of me, where do I go from here now that my white whale is in lockup? Surely, I’ve gained a reputation as the most vehement of Spider-Man’s critics, and that deserves a reward. Maybe I’ll write a book. Who knows, maybe I’ll pull a Drudge and start a website. FOX News called, maybe I’ll shave off this ridiculous mustache, finish dyeing my hair, and host a cable news show where I can finally shout in peace.

Until then, goodbye Spider-Man, I hope your butt senses are tingling.


This is a work of parody, but a man in a Spider-Man costume really was arrested in Pittsburgh. You can check out the real article here