50 Shades of Grey
Just because we know that you want it, whether you like it or not, we here at Nerd Bastards bring to you some hot news on the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey movie project. The news involves casting, to be precise, and though you may not be familiar with the names, you can be damn sure after this flick hits the big screen, you’ll be hearing plenty about them. And the winners (?) are… Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson!
For those that don’t know who the hell these people are, Hunnam, who will be playing the male lead of Christian Grey, is perhaps best known for his part on Sons of Anarchy. He’s done some other minor roles as well, but nothing worth mentioning too much.
Johnson is perhaps even more of an unknown, starring in nothing noteworthy. Now, she’s going to be Anastasia Steele, the female lead.
And yes, those are the actual names of the lead characters. Some authors have a hard time naming their characters, so give writer E L James a break!
Since neither actor has what one would refer to as a stellar career, this could actually be a big move up for them. In a Sharon Stone showing her coochy in Basic Instinct kind of way, of course.
In case you know nothing about 50 Shades of Grey, here is the rather generous story description concocted by those trying to sell the book:
When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.
Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.
So mark the calendar, folks. You’ll be able to view the Twi-porn when it hits the big screen on August 1st, 2014.
Thanks to GeekTyrant for the heads-up.
In the Great Hall of the Justice League there are assembled the world’s 2 greatest heroes created from the cosmic legends of the universe — Captain Hudson and Jason Man — there mission: to fight injustice, to fight that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind… with a podcast.
This week on the Bastardcast, Jeremy and Jason suggest some nerdy Olympic counter programming, talk about why chicken restaurants don’t want to serve gay muppets, and then tackle the DIRTY NERDY CONFESSIONS with a special, mystery guest. They also read some tasteful selections from 50 Shades of Grey(Skull)* and then in the first of a special, hard hitting expose, Jason and Jeremy Discuss Whether Old Crap or New Crap is Better If They Don’t Have Anything Else to Talk About: Action Figure Edition. Come for the laughs, stay for the subtle French bigotry.
*Apparently Jimmy Fallon did a similar 50 Shades of Greyskull bit last night. We were unaware of this when we recorded ours because we watch Craig Ferguson when we don’t feel like watching Adult Swim. Also, ours is better. Sorry, it’s the truth.
The magic hashtag: #50ShadesOfGreyskull
50 Shades of Grey. Have you heard of it? Of course you have! Its vile filth has infected the nation. The erotic sex book by author E. L. James has caught the attention of women everywhere. Housewives, soccer moms, grandmas and even tween girls are infatuated with the books protagonist Anastasia Steele, and her BDSM adventures with the alluring and incredibly wealthy Mr. Christian Grey. Jeeze, women are too classy to watch porn, but they don’t mind reading it!
If you can’t tell, I have nothing but specious hate for the book. Here’s a quick story on how it almost ruined my relationship. Keyword being “almost”.
So, I made love to Mrs. Nerd Bastards the other night and you know what she said to me when we finished? “Well…you’re no Christian Grey!” Son of a bitch! Grey, the fictional Mr. McDreamy, has turned me, a veritable love machine, into Mr. Mediocre. Gawd, I hate this book! It’s steamy dialogue, rousing tones and ridiculous characterization of the idealistic male, has set unrealistic expectations on me. Curses! I’m a heart and flowers kind of guy. How am I supposed to compete with such a hyperbolic sense of discipline, sadism, and masochism? Hmm?
If there are any guys out there in the same boat as me, I say we laugh at the situation. I mean really, what else can we do?
To help you find some laughter in these hard times, I give you a video of John St. John (Duke Nukem voice actor) reading from 50 Shades of Grey. When he utters “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” (Yes, that is an actual lines from the book) I think you’ll smirk and forget about all the shitty judgements and demanding expectations from your significant other. It’s all just too damn silly to take seriously.
Now this is hot! Hail to the King Baby.