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Before the term “Commando” became a slang word for brazenly – and perhaps riskily –  donning a pair of pants sans any skivvies (underoos, boxers…whatever you wanna call them), there was a not so little era called the 1980’s where the urban dictionary hadn’t been invented yet. Back in that day in age, going Commando meant seeing the one of the manliest movies ever made – in Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s aptly named Commando (1985). If this movie didn’t make you want to throw saw blades at people after swinging from balloons to escape police, then your balls never dropped as a child…or maybe you just weren’t alive when this came out.

For the uninitiated, imagine the movie Taken but with a million machine guns and an evil, bad-ass version of Freddie Mercury (yes, I am referring to Vernon Well’s character, Bennett. A villain so hard he wears chain mail and feeds off electric shocks). What other action movie opens with the hero and his daughter feeding a deer and licking ice cream? What other movie has lines like “I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry”? Over the top action, action movie clichés, and an onslaught of Arnie quotes – it’s an 80’s masterpiece of epic proportions!

Speaking of things that are of epic proportions (hows that for a segue?), our friends at Sideshow Collectibles (via Hot Toys) have sent us a 1/6th scale John Matrix figure. Yes, the one-man army, with biceps the size of a cement truck, has been immortalized as a high-end, collectible figurine. If you thought the movie was a hit, wait until you feast your eyes on this.

Lets party! (more…)


Welcome back to our newly revamped “Retro Reviews” column, where we explore both the movies you know and love, as well as the oft overlooked gems you should be spending more time with. Our second entry is the crazy, career re-defining Arnold Schwarzenegger action romp, Commando (1985)…

The restless feminist inside of me always cringes whenever I use the term “man movie”, but that is undoubtedly what Commando is. Buff, dumb and slathered in baby oil, Mark L. Lester (Class of 1984Firestarter) made the ultimate “one man army” picture; a breakneck barrage of insanity whose brief moments of tenderness are simply a ploy to get you to start fist-pumping once Arnold starts dropping dudes off of cliffs and spouting one-liners. Filled with an assortment of BAMFs* (including Vernon Wells, who seems to have stolen and kept some unused post-apocalyptic garb from The Road Warrior) and a legion of indigenous peoples (from wherever) for Arnold Schwarzenegger to mow down in a wave of righteous anger, Commando might be the greatest meat-head film the ’80s ever produced. A marvel of economy and pacing, its brisk ninety minutes feel like five once John Matrix’s daughter (Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped by dictator hopeful Arius (Dan Hedaya, in full brown-face), thus sending the titular destroyer of small nations on his quest to kill as many human beings as possible. In short — Commando is a masterpiece of masculine moviemaking; an Adonis of action craft tailor-made to satiate the blood lust of teenage boys.


Batman and Robin: The Musical

From the people that brought you “Commando: The Musical” comes “Batman and Robin: The Musical.”

The only thing worth saying is:


This NerdBastard is convinced that these guys Legolambs should be writing all the superhero musicals in production now. I’d buy a ticket.

One last question . . . why are Robin’s nipples bigger than Batgirl’s, and why no crotch piece for Batgirl? Doesn’t she deserve the same costume protection as Batman and Robin?


Hello NerdBastards readers, it’s another Tuesday, and while it may not be about man trying to make black holes, it’s the weekly DVD Tuesday. Usually, we here at NerdBastards, we highlight what comes out and say whether if it’s a BUY, RENT, or PASS but for today, since it is the start of a new fiscal year, nothing really new is coming out other than re-releases and/or Blu-Ray release of something old. So today and possibly the next few weeks, it’ll be more of a heads up on what is released and maybe you’ll be persuade into buying something you may already own or be happy with what ya have. Also, no Anime DVD pick of the week but there is something else at the end to make up for it. (more…)