50 Shades of Grey. Have you heard of it? Of course you have! Its vile filth has infected the nation. The erotic sex book by author E. L. James has caught the attention of women everywhere. Housewives, soccer moms, grandmas and even tween girls are infatuated with the books protagonist Anastasia Steele, and her BDSM adventures with the alluring and incredibly wealthy Mr. Christian Grey. Jeeze, women are too classy to watch porn, but they don’t mind reading it!
If you can’t tell, I have nothing but specious hate for the book. Here’s a quick story on how it almost ruined my relationship. Keyword being “almost”.
So, I made love to Mrs. Nerd Bastards the other night and you know what she said to me when we finished? “Well…you’re no Christian Grey!” Son of a bitch! Grey, the fictional Mr. McDreamy, has turned me, a veritable love machine, into Mr. Mediocre. Gawd, I hate this book! It’s steamy dialogue, rousing tones and ridiculous characterization of the idealistic male, has set unrealistic expectations on me. Curses! I’m a heart and flowers kind of guy. How am I supposed to compete with such a hyperbolic sense of discipline, sadism, and masochism? Hmm?
If there are any guys out there in the same boat as me, I say we laugh at the situation. I mean really, what else can we do?
To help you find some laughter in these hard times, I give you a video of John St. John (Duke Nukem voice actor) reading from 50 Shades of Grey. When he utters “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” (Yes, that is an actual lines from the book) I think you’ll smirk and forget about all the shitty judgements and demanding expectations from your significant other. It’s all just too damn silly to take seriously.
Every day the internet produces an astounding amount of goodies and gems. Most hilarious, some amusing, but all worth at least a few seconds of your time. We here at Nerd Bastards try to bring you the best bits of news and nerdery the webz has to offer, with a bit of snark thrown in. But sometimes not everything makes the cut. Monday through Friday we’ll be bringing you our inbox leftovers, our forgotten bookmarks, the nerdy bits that simply slipped through the cracks. You can submit items to Nerdy Bits by emailing us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
ABOVE: Sideshow Collectibles has unveiled pictures of Poison Ivy, the latest edition to the DC Comics Premium Format Figure collection. This super-sexy 1:4 scale figure measures 21 inches tall and features Poison Ivy along with her carnivorous plants (If you know what I mean). Each is hand-painted and available for preorder now with delivery expected in January 2013. [Nerd Approved]
A fable of the late 90’s, a joke in it’s industry and now everyone has to kiss his alien-kicking ass; Duke Nukem Forever has gone gold. After 14 years of ‘development hell’ the adventures of the worlds greatest hero is back for another round. In plain English for those that don’t know, “going gold” means that a game is 100% complete, the final version of a game is in production. Everything has finally culminated into it’s June 10th release and as a fan of the franchise I couldn’t be happier for this long awaited game.
When your history of development becomes it’s own seperate wikipedia page it’s not something to be proud of, it’s like farting in church. When 3D Realms started making their empty promises of “We’re working on it” fans could only sit there and smell the bullshit. Years of telling folks “It’ll get done when it get’s done” finally took it’s toll on the game. In between the endless jokes and scrutiny, the game crashed and burned. Thankfully a new company, Gearbox studios, took control of Duke and nursed him back to health. After only another short delay the game is finally complete and waiting to be placed into the hands of your inner child. They only way to top this would be to actually have Jesus himself endorse this game and make it a patron saint on the spot. After all the abuse this franchise has gone through it deserves it more then anyone else could.
Glad to see the red and yellow back June 10th, 2011 when Duke Nukem Forever hits shelves for the PS3, X-Box 360 and PC. For real this time, honest.
As if the news that Duke Nukem Forever will finally be released this summer weren’t enough good news, IDW has sweetened the pot by announcing a new comic series starring everyone’s favorite wisecracking, gun-toting, chick magnet badass.
The comics company announced Tuesday that Duke Nukem: Glorious Bastard, a four-part series starring Duke himself, will debut in July from writer Tom Waltz (Silent Hill: Past Life and Ghostbusters: Sanctum of Slime) and artist Xermanico.
Here’s the info straight from the IDW press release, including an awesome plot summary.
“I know plenty of fans have been asking for it and we’re excited to finally bring it to ‘em,” said David Eddings, Vice President of Business Development at Gearbox Software. “Duke will be in some of the most insane action-packed stories that will show fans a whole new side of the one and only King. That’s the marketing-speak for saying it’s gonna f&#king rock!”
Debuting in July with issue #1, DUKE NUKEM: GLORIOUS BASTARD combines time-traveling Nazi UFOs, space pigs, and a hot French Resistance babe code-named the “French Tickler,” as they all run head-on into DukeNukem. It’s an action-packed and mayhem-filled collision course in the making, and for some of them (the ones that don’t look good in bikinis, that is), it’s gonna end painfully.
“Duke Nukem is the kind of character that comic books were made for,” said Waltz. “He’s over-the-top, bombastic, rude, crude, and doesn’t have a politically correct bone in his muscle-bound body—I love him! Xermanico and I had an absolute (and literal) blast writing and drawing the pack-in comic for the video game, and it’s been no different with this new mini-series. Get ready for fun because, when it comes to The King, the only rule is that there are NO rules!”
So, now we rejoice in the coming of this comic, and pray we don’t end up waiting 14 years for a sequel.
Excuse me while I laugh my balls off. Why am I laughing? Oh I dunno….maybe ’cause the release of ‘Duke Nukem Forever‘ has been postponed. Yep, DELAYED AGAIN! Rats!
Gamers shat 8-Bit bricks when back in January it was announced that, after 13 years, Duke Nukem Forever was FINALLY going to be released on May 3, 2011. But we should have known it was too good to be true. Because Randy Pitchford, president of Gearbox Software, with a respectable level of embarrassment and shame, just announced the game’s release would be delayed AGAIN.
For reasons unknown the launch date has been pushed back to June 14 (and June 10 internationally).Fooey!
Check out Pitchford’s “very special message” about Duke Nukem Forever below.
OK, that was a pretty funny way to handle the delay actually. My only hope is that the delay is cause for a revamp of the aiming and over all control system. Earlier this month I got my hands on a DEMO at PAX EAST. While that game certainly delivers all the raunch, classic Duke speak, babes, mutants and ridiculous action, it’s playability is a bitch. The aiming controls were damn near impossible, almost making the game unplayable. Regardless, I’m still looking forward to this game, if nothing else than because of my fond memories of the late 90s.
This ain’t no lie folks as finally, and I mean finally, Duke Nukem Forever will be on store shelves on May 3rd, 2011. After 14 long freakin’ years in developmental hell, game engine changes, publisher troubles, and god knows what else, we’ll be able to play as the bad ass once again in an all new game.
I don’t know about you but Duke Nukem 3D was my first FPS and I instantly got hooked to the gameplay and the awesome one liners from the man himself. Everything I’ve seen for Forever has got me excited like a little high school girl that is ready to blow Duke.
Are any of you guys excited to once again take control of Duke and beat down some three breasted monsters or you think Duke Nukem has lost his glory a long time ago and that the game will suck?
*Update: Posted below is a kick ass trailer for the game that get’s me more excited for the game.
As we all know, Duke Nukem Forever is finally, and I mean FINALLY coming out next year (even though it doesn’t have a set release date) and it seems that some fans of Duke wanted us to get pumped and ready for the 13+ year developed game.
The Duke: Fate of Humanity is a short live action clip that was made to pay homage to Gearbox for making Forever possible and playable for all. It’s done well and I think it does it’s job well as a teaser to get us wanting Duke.
If you got a few minutes to spare then I highly recommend you check this clip out and see if you start asking yourself if a live action Duke Nukem flick would be awesome… as long as it’s not directed by Uwe Boll.
Duke Nukem Forever is FINALLY on its way to coming to video game consoles near you!
The long-awaited sequel to 1996’s Duke Nukem 3D, developed by Gearbox Studios (the one that brought you the amazing videogame Borderlands) is finally on track to be released early next year.
Duke Nukem Forever has been infamous for its insanely long development period, and was even feared to disappear when its old production studio 3D realms, was downsized and sued for not finishing it on time. All they would say was that the game would be released “when its done,” But, once it was settled out of court, the game is almost done after 14 years.
Gearbox‘s Randy Pitchfordis is taking the demo of the game on a world tour, and his first stop was Amsterdam. And luckily for us, some people filmed the demo, and we can show it to you.
Be warned – this video contains images of Duke peeing, crudely drawn penises on whiteboards, and Duke getting pleasured orally by two buxom ladies. In short – it’s everything you expect from a Duke Nukem game.
Yes folks, if you still don’t believe it, Duke Nukem Forever will finally come out. After 13 years of developmental hell, publishing hell, and who knows what else was thrown in front of Duke, we will finally be able to see the ass kicking character on our 360, PS3, and PC. When you ask? Well it seems that retailers are “predicting” for a February 1st, 2011 release date for the game.
At the moment, Gearbox has commented that it is a placeholder and personally I hope it is because I want the game to come out in April. Why? It’s because it was April of 1997 when the game was first announced so why not make it a complete 14 years for the game to finally be released. Any of you readers excited for the game to finally come out or do you think the game will be crap and won’t play it at all? Tell us what you think by leaving a comment.
Holy balls of steel, we’re actually getting Duke Nukem Forever next year and this time, it’s for real. The big news at PAX yesterday was how 2K Games will now be publishing the game and that Gearbox Software (Borderlands, Brothers in Arms franchise) has been developing it since of 2009. Randy Pitchford, who is the president of Gearbox, has worked on Duke Nukem Forever before left 3D Realms to form Gearbox.
After over a decade, we’ll finally get to kick ass with Duke in Forever, and word is that the first thing you do in the game is to take a piss in a urinal, which you get to control. What a way to start by pissing all your frustration away. Is there any gamers out there who is happy to hear about the news that Forever will be coming out next year or do y’all think it’s way too late for Duke to make any sort of impact in this generation of video games.