foo fighters

Words Good! Read Now!: Volume One

Hello kindly reader, how are you? Shh shh, let’s keep the mystery alive. Right now you are reading the first installment of a new column here on NerdBastards.com called Words Good! Read Now! Our goal: Deliver unto you a collection of high quality, thought provoking, and entertaining articles from all across the interweb. Why am I taking time out of my hectic and majestic life to write about other people’s words and suggest them to you? Quite simply, I love writers and I love words and if 100 of you read this and go read these articles and then maybe some of you recommend those articles… well, then that will be a decent amount of people reading these things. What, you thought I’d end with some kind of dramatic flourish? Blah, blah, blah — Words Good! Read Now!

Nick Offerman tells Sean O’Neal (The AV Club) about what it’s like to be a normal, easy going guy in Hollywood, not caring about the Emmy Awards, and how his massive (fake) penis got him work in the early days.  Click here for the article.

You are familiar with Nickelodeon’s green slime, yes? Check out the origin story of that slime with Matt Soniak’s report on Mental Floss. Click here for the article.

I’m a big fan of Rock-Docs, The Foo Fighters, and Rock and Roll history. I also like gourmet cupcakes. Dave Grohl’s directorial debut, Sound City, checks off three of those boxes and Jon Blistien — a reporter for the upstart indie music magazine Rolling Stone — reports on the progress of the doc that explores the history of the historic Sound City recording studio where Tom Petty, Nirvana, and several other legendary groups recorded some of the greatest albums of all time. Here is the link to this article, and here is a link to an article that will explain to you what an “album” is.

Lauren Davis (IO9) writes about the possibility of 3-D printers gaining the ability to “print” out prescription drugs. It’s a far off concept but it could change the world and save millions of lives by giving them faster access to pharmaceuticals. Read the article here.

Hannah Shaw-Williams from Bleeding Cool takes us on a tour of some of the most outstanding and imaginative crowd-funded films. Click here for the article.

Two (actually three) sad stories conclude this first installment of the column. Tom Davis was a comic legend. Working on SNL in it’s early days, Davis and his writing partner (now Senator) Al Franken created several legendary characters and helped establish and shape the show when it was in its infancy. Crix Lee wrote a wonderful piece about Davis’ career for GeekNation, (which you can read here) but Davis himself wrote a funny, easy going, and soulful estimation of his life amidst the dying. You can read that here, and it is the best thing I read this week.

The second (actually third) sad article is about the Aurora tragedy. Many writers rose in this horrible moment to deliver heartfelt and poetic articles. I don’t know how many of these have been written, and I don’t know how many more need to be, but Rich Johnston from Bleeding Cool summed things up about as well as anyone could. You can read his article — “Remember Denver, But Not the Killer” — here.

This concludes this week’s edition of Words Good! Read Now! If you have suggestions throughout the week, please feel free to email me at jasont@nerdbastards.com. If you have mean things to say, email Luke. 

 

The other night, whilst sitting alone on my couch, I found myself watching TV on a television (I’m a classicist) as an ad for a three day rock festival popped up. Bamboozlefest, just an hour long drive away from my door and boasting a lineup that featured The Foo Fighters, Bon Jovi, and a handful of other rock groups whose names I can’t remember, appealed to me, causing me to openly ponder exploring the possibility of maybe per chance getting tickets for exactly 38 seconds until a I heard a voice, a voice I hadn’t heard before. Well, that’s not entirely true — it was my voice, but older and creepily whispering in my ear — “You’d die” it said, “you’d be that guy, dead body airlifted out after the festival ends, a sharpie drawn dick on your forehead with used up rubbers and cups scattered all around you.”

Now, that’s a grim picture, but it is oh so true — I couldn’t survive a three day outdoor rock festival because I can’t subsist on bottles of 5 Hour Energy, shrooms, and the un-exasperatable energy that comes with youth. The point is, it seems like I’ve reached my expiration as a capably active fanboy because I’m very, very near 30 now and I am bewildered and sleepy. Call me when Blues Traveler comes to play the local amphitheater, see The Dark Knight Rises without me, I’ll wait 2 weeks and avoid the rush.

See, I can no longer run with the bulls at Comic Con — fuck waiting 17 hours for a panel, fuck spending thousands of dollars to go cross country in an effort to see 1 thing out of the 500 that appeals to me only to return home with only disappointment and a plague.

On the air since 1993.

I don’t want to sleep in a car to save on a hotel room, I want a fucking bed, a TV with Conan on it, and a nightstand for my C-PAP machine. I don’t want to go to a midnight screening, I mean I do, but I’m not going to because it is way past my bedtime and it’ll throw off my carefully constructed day and my iron clad sleep cycle.

I also don’t want to make new friends, no one can be in my life anymore if they do flashmobs and cosplay as obscure Anime characters — my friends are old, tired, and bitchy too, and while some of them still think the things I described above are romantic, and they speak with a want to run from the limitations of their evolving true preferences, they are lying to themselves as I was. This is Nerdom at 30, and I’m too old for this shit.

I know all of this now and suddenly I accept the suck of stifled adventures and I’m ready to hate everything that is new and everyone who champions those things, my eyes rolling more times than they blink when you talk to me about how Channing Tatum really unlocked the emotional complexity of Duke in GI Joe.

I’ll tell you another thing, you know those old assholes who wax poetic about how great shit used to be? I think I’ve been gradually arriving at that point, a point where I can organically loathe thanks to what I perceive to be the rancid downturn in the quality of nearly all things. I think I’m becoming one of them and I think you will too one day, because as much as we want to pretend that it’ll never happen to us, we all turn into these “let me tell you how good it used to be” people talking about the good old days because those things were our first nerd love and nothing can compare to them and that time.

This was the movie icon I grew up with, enjoy your Labeouf.

Back then we didn’t suffocate the celebrities and stars that we “love”, demanding an unceasing feed into their lives while suffocating them to the point that they expire or go mad from the lack of oxygen. Once upon a time movies were magical and not stymied by endless sequels and big plastic glasses that sit on our faces so we can see a hand come out at us to reach into our pockets.

Things could be smart and popular at the same time way back when, cartoons had soul, and action figures were cheap. Back then music was made by humans who played instruments, and comics were made with words, not endless splash pages and the sole purpose of leading readers to buy the next crappy tie-in book that links to 8 other un-related books.

You were required to have an imagination and technology didn’t enslave us. Books were printed, and everyone had an opinion and nobody had an outlet, so our atmosphere wasn’t clogged up by worthless bullshit like this article. I’ll tell you another thing, SNL didn’t suck, In Living Color, Kids in the Hall, and The State were all on there air and there was meriment to be had. We also didn’t need video game systems to serve as life replacements, simulating exercise and interactions — Sega Genesis was the motherfucking righteous truth and it was the only truth we needed.

Video game perfection. No hookers or rocket launchers required.

The funny thing is, the things that I loathe now, things like the Gaga, whatever Ke-Dollar Sign-Ha is and pop music, another Diablo sequel, reality TV, and nearly everything Marvel and DC have put out in the last 7 years — these are someone else’s future first loves, their soon-to-be good old days that they will one day cherish above everything current while my twatishness and the things I love fade from memory. Glee is someone else’s Kids Incorporated. Stewie is someone’s Bart Simpson. That’s amazing, the way that time just keeps ticking and dirt keeps getting put on the old idea of what amazing is.

It’s just too bad that those people will be fucking wrong, because OG Thundercats is the greatest thing of all time, no actor will ever touch Bill Murray in The Ghostbusters, Alan Moore’s pen will forever cause lesser writers to quiver and leak their shorts, The Beastie Boys are un-surpass-able*, and I still prefer Michael Keaton above all other Batmen. And do not even get me started on Star Wars trilogy preferences, because I’ve met people who prefer Revenge of the Sith to Return of the Jedi and I wish them tossed down into the clutches of a horny and hungry Rancor monster . This is my anti-social new lifestyle, my nerdom at 30, goodbye gentle fanboyishness, hello bitchy grown-assed-fanmandom.

*= This was written before the sad passing of Adam Yauch. RIP MCA