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When I was young, my dad used to constantly relay an old maxim. “Son,” he’d say, “the loudest guy in the bar is always going to be the least tough.” Outside of providing me with an essential bit of sage wisdom when it came to assessing the chances of getting my ass kicked, this brief aphorism doubled as one of my first lessons in the art of storytelling. Essentially, what my father was relaying was a tutorial in how to determine intent — to pick through a story’s delivery and try to understand just why it was being told. Keeping this truism in mind, I’m having a tough time deciding just why in the hell Kevin Smith decided to make Tusk, his latest foray into the world of horror filmmaking. While the New Jersey writer/director is certainly stretching outside of his comfort zone with this demented slice of body horror, it ultimately is nothing more than another juvenile descent into nonsense. To borrow from another tried and true expression (whose zoological roots seem fit for a movie about a loon transforming another man into a walrus): “a leopard cannot change its spots.”  (more…)

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I thought Kevin Smith was going to retire?

First, his hockey picture was just that — one picture. Then it became a miniseries (and I think switched back to being a standalone movie?). Subsequently, news broke of a Clerks III script (that could possibly end up on Broadway — wait no, that was utter bullshit). In-between, he somehow came to serve the diligent anti-diletante fans of his who could afford a cable subscription (snoochies and boochies be expensive y’all). Currently, he’s finishing up production on Tusk, his follow-up to the 2011 horrific hack job, Red StateIt’s almost as hard as keeping up with Tarantino rumors when he was churning out a new potential project seemingly every other week (though not nearly as interesting, as QT is actually talented). Now comes the announcement of Anti-Claus, yet another horror project that will re-team the Jersey Devil with the cast of his yet-to-be-seen Tusk (Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment, Genesis Rodriguez and Michael Parks). The only good news I can glean from this announcement? It will delay the production of future turd-burger Clerks III for at least a little while longer.

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I’m sure you spend all of your time wondering where the child stars of movies past are now. We’ve compiled a fair amount of before and after pictures for y’all to check out, some of which you probably expect and some of which will be a surprise to you. Let’s get started!

Let’s start with something that we all expect to see. Taylor Momsen is most known for her role as Cindy Lou Who in the 2000 film, How The Grinch Stole Christmas.  Over the course of the years, she landed a role on Gossip Girl and she’s now some badass singer chick.  Or something.  She blames her parents for her shitty attitude and bitchiness, actively tells young girls to twiddle themselves and flashes her tits at concerts.  No big deal.  She’s really matured!

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