They say nothing can keep a good man down, and for Shaquille O’Neal that has never been truer. Despite a bevy of critically panned movies, TV spots and games, the big man just keeps on trucking with a smile on his face.
In 1994, Shaq got together with Publisher EA Games and Delphine Software to make what they hoped would be the next generation of fighting games known as Shaq-Fu. The game was a disaster, featuring poor graphics, muddled fighting mechanics and controls that make you feel like you are navigating a camel through quicksand. It has become a favorite of angry video game reviewers on Youtube and has gone on to be one of those so-bad-its-good games with a strong cult following and now, thanks to crowdfunding giant Indiegogo, Shaq is taking a second stab at the digital world with Shaq-Fu 2: A Legend Reborn. (more…)
In further proof that the Internet has the worst collective taste EVER (are you seriously still attempting to defend that POS AMAZING SPIDER-MAN sequel?), the Indiegogo campaign for Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn, has met its ludicrous-sounding $450,000 goal.
The pain that just shot through my fingers while typing that was almost unbearable.
The sequel to the unplayable ’90s Street Fighter knockoff will be available on the PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, Wii U, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One sometime in the future, with each sale successfully placing money in already established multi-millionaire celebrity Shaquille O’Neal’s pocket. No word yet as to how Ron Artest’s (excuse me…Metta World Peace’s) Kill Everything That Moves Kickstarter is going, nor what Kill Everything That Moves actually is (a home movie?).
Warner Bros. has released the first TV spot for their upcoming low budget indie film about a flying alien with multiple personality disorders. It is called Man of Steel: The Tale of the Man Who is Super, and it is not (apparently) a sequel to the criminally underrated comic book superhero movie, Steel, which starred Shaquille O’Neal in a raw and tumultuous demonstration of thespianic talent so thunderous and impactful that it may or may not have been the real cause of Jimmy Stewart’s death.
No, it is not that — sadly — but Man of Steel is directed by Zack Snyder, a man who never saw Steel, a man who rejects all other spellings of that name and a man who previously directed Sucker Punch, a movie about owls, 300, The Watchmen, the Dawn of the Dead remake, and uh… there is also a Morrisey music video on his IMDB page, I should mention that as well.
By the way, does anyone else think Morrissey looks like the guy who played The Governor on The Walking Dead? His name is also Morrissey, David Morrissey. Do you think they are related? Maybe they are cousins.
Anyway, David Morrissey isn’t in this film but Henry Cavill is, and he is British, but I don’t think they are related. Also in this film: Laurence Fishburne (who was in The Matrix), Kevin Costner (who was not), Russell Crowe (who used to be in a band), and Amy Adams, who is the only redhead in Hollywood that I don’t really find attractive with the exception of Donny Most.
If you don’t know who Donny Most is, I hope you accidentally swallow a baby snake and it lays eggs in your colon and then you poop baby snakes and then when you look in the toilet you get so scared that you pass out and then someone who you are kinda into, but haven’t yet gotten with, finds you and you are so embarrassed that you move to Alabama where you start a small thrift store called “Old Shit” and hire all these mischievous employees and one day, some guy from a network comes and offers you a reality show, but he isn’t from one of the good networks, but that doesn’t matter because you do the show anyway, and they schedule you in a weird time slot right behind a reality show with Anson Williams called “That’s Just Anson Being Anson” and…
[Disclaimer: If you are, somehow, still reading this, then kudos to you. You are a brave little toaster and if I had the financial ability to do so, I would tender you a voucher for one granola bar… quite possibly a Kudos granola bar, because they are tasty and that would make literal the whole Kudos thing from before.
Yes, that would have been the bees knees, but sadly I am not able to tender you such a voucher, so you will just have to settle for a hearty dash of gratitude, and a quick return to the conclusion of this article that everyone else simply ignored to get to the bottom, where the fresh, new Man of Steel footage lies waiting for you. Again, many thanks.]
… at a network mixer, you and Anson, Anson Williams, the star of That’s Just Anson Being Anson, would strike up a conversation and you tell him all about your snake butt and your lost love and how it all happened because you didn’t know who Donny Most was and then he punches you in the mouth because he — of course — knows who Donny Most is, and then you realize — AT LONG LAST — how foolish you were for not knowing who Donny Most is. THAT, is what I hope the consequences are if you don’t know who Donny Most is, but anyway, here is the synopsis for Man of Steel, and below that is the new trailer, enjoy!
Synopsis that I copied and pasted here for you:
From Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures comes “Man of Steel”, starring Henry Cavill, directed by Zach Snyder. The film also stars Amy Adams, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, Antje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Henry Lennix, Christopher Meloni and Laurence Fishburne.
Trailer that I embedded by using magic code.
Man of Steel comes out on June 14th in a theater near me, ya’ll need to sort out where it’s goona be in your own damn neighborhood.