the onion

It happens to the best of us. We’re all out there scouring the Internet for the Nerdiest news to bring to you readers out there. Heck, we even make some up sometimes to troll you NerdBastards on April Fools day. Well today it was Blastr’s turn to eat a little Internet troll crow. It sounds like just the kind of story to get all those Game of Thrones fans going, a Christian group wants to boycott Game of Thrones because . . . (drum roll please) . . .

“It will make teens depressed.”

(Cue rim shot)

Ba DUM DAH!

That might have been the first clue, what teenager isn’t depressed? What really got me though was when I clicked over to the Christwire site and took a look at all the Game of Thrones pictures they had posted . . . it was fairly obvious that something was up. The subject matter and pictures made me hope they had made a video clip montage . . . so I could go “be in my bunk”. Well Blastr’s readers soon clued in Blastr on the slip up and Blastr posted the update below. I imagine the writers over at Christwire have had a good chuckle like the rest of us.

[UPDATE: As many of you have pointed out in the comments section below—we accepted as real a post on a satirical site that’s the religious equivalent of The Onion. But we didn’t want to take the posting down so you’d know that we knew we fell for it and that we’re listening to what you have to say. Thanks for setting us straight!]

I would like to point out though that the READERS of Blastr are the true heroes of this story. Much like you NerdBastards, they not only read the story, they checked it out and gave feedback. Now I may get snippy with spelling Nazi’s sometimes but we all here at NerdBastards really do appreciate our readers taking an active interest in our site and writing. When I see a comment on an article I posted to the site or Facebook, I get a little thrill and sometimes giggle (like a man . . . not a school girl).

 So below is the Blastr article, and you can go over to Christwire with this link to check out the original article.

We love Game of Thrones, but we’d be the first to admit that it’s not exactly a family-friendly program. It comes as no surprise that a Christian group is organizing a boycott of this very, very adult show, but among the usual reasons of sex, violence and magic, they also manage to take digs at the acting and the depressing low light … and even admit that they just can’t follow what’s going on.

This particular boycott stems from a feature written by Stephenson Billings on the ultraconservative website Christwire. The piece, entitled “12 Reasons to Boycott Game of Thrones in 2012,” begins by chastising HBO for promoting “sorcery, sexuality and socialism … to America’s young adults.” You know, as if this was a CW drama that just wound up on the wrong network.

“In essence, Game of Thrones is a poorly produced copy of Mel Gibson’s Braveheart with a dash of smut straight out of Hustler Magazine added to spice up the frustratingly complicated drama,” Billings writes. “It can be preachy and pretentious one moment, and decidedly X-rated the next. You will witness effeminate men having sex in bathtubs while speaking about dragons, dead bodies splayed out in satanic pentagrams in the snow and some of the most artificial acting ever broadcast on the small screen.”

And that’s just from the opening paragraphs. Billings goes on to outline 12 reasons why you shouldn’t tune in to the series. There are predictable digs at the sexuality of the show, “including incest and lesbianism,” and then a dig at witchcraft in which it becomes clear that Billings didn’t quite finish his research before writing the piece.

“Deadly potions and menacing spirits dominate the storyline, but there is no mention of Jesus despite the fact that His love was the backbone of wisdom in the Middle Ages.”

It’s probably not important to Billings or any of his readers that Game of Thrones is set in a separate and entirely fictional universe, not the Middle Ages, but it’s hard for fans like us not to notice glaring stuff like that. This is followed by a dig at the show’s extreme violence (of course), and then it gets personal as Billings goes after actress Emilia Clark, who co-stars on the show as Daenerys Targaryen.

“This pretty young girl unfortunately lacks the intellect or the sophistication to appear on prime time television. The producers seem to know this and require her to disrobe in every scene,” he wrote. “Her gentle, undeveloped teenage body does not evoke womanhood, but the innocence of a lost child, alone on the side of a highway and ripe for the picking.”

Well, never mind that—though she plays a teenager—Clarke herself is 24. It’s time to go after the Emmy-winning Peter Dinklage now, who has apparently become some kind of sodomy icon for kids.

“Children identify with Dinklage because of his small size and comical accent, but his obsession with anal penetration crosses the boundaries into pure propaganda. How many children will watch the little man and want to try his grunty thrusts at home?”

We would agree that it’s probably not a good idea to plop kids down in front of the TV when this particular program is on, but it’s not Dinklage’s fault that he’s small. And where’s this “comical accent”? Is Billings seeing this show and thinking of a Munchkin?

The dig at Dinklage is followed by more predictable ranting against homosexuality, drinking, paganism and a lack of positive role models on the show. Then it gets weird again, as Billings claims that the “dark cinematography” of the program will cause depression in teens.

“Many youth subculture groups, including Goths and Skinheads, prefer to inhabit the world of the night. In darkness they find convenient cover to master their addiction to drugs and sexual violence. Does Games of Thrones actively promote marijuana usage and rape? Should parents really sit idly by as we await the answer to this important question?”

Wait, did we just go from “dim lighting gives you the blues” to “dim lighting causes rape”? Yeah, it looks like we did.

But perhaps the most amusing bit of this lengthy diatribe against the show is reason number 10 on Billings’ list of 12, in which he basically admits that he didn’t know what was going on while he watched the show anyway, and spins this into a claim that HBO is secretly making the show too complicated for grownups because they really want to corrupt teenagers with its naughty naughtiness.

“Most parents will find the thick European accents of the actors confusing. The story, vamped up from the original book, is frustrating for its leaps of logic and implausible romantic scenes. The producers of Games seem to understand this and have crafted the series so that it intentionally turns away older viewers. Should we be suspicious that they have worked so hard to have some private alone time with America’s children?”

It’s understandable that an ultraconservative Christian would want to tell people not to watch this show. Billings is clearly not the intended audience. What’s more bizarre is that he has made the leap from thinking this show doesn’t jibe with his values to thinking this show isn’t for adults at all. Or maybe he just had trouble coming up with 12 whole reasons and he had to make some stuff up. Either way, do you think he’ll affect the season two ratings at all?

Green Lantern opens tomorrow and it’s the film any nerd is talking about. Fans are hoping this movie will be a success and lead to a move away from constant remakes and sequels to Superman and Batman. Oh, who am I kidding, we’ll never tire of Superman or Batman movies, even if Green Lantern‘s a smash. Unfortunately, these early reviews seem to imply it’s not.

Who cares what those people are saying, America’s premier news source, the Onion News Network has a review of Green Lantern for you that sums up every expectation. The Green Lantern (Ryan Reynolds) is green and flies around making green things. Plus saving the day and having something close to a screen romance with Blake Lively. All ends well.

Watch their spot on review below and make sure you tune in tomorrow for our Nerd Bastards review of the Green Lantern.


‘Green Lantern’ To Fulfill America’s Wish To See Lantern-Based Characters On Big Screen

captain hippo hulk

With Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark and now Batman Live it seems like superhero stories brought to the stage are all the rage.  It was only a matter of time before these comic book heroes that we’ve known and loved all of our lives were brought to the stage.  What’s great about this is that it allows us to see them in a new light.  Recently, the crew at Captain Hippo has decided to cash in on this idea with their musical, Hulk: Inside and Out.

This production team, based in Brooklyn, Ny has created their hilarious and extremely well done version of what a Hulk musical would be like.  The songs are catchy and with Christmas right around the corner nothing will get you more into the holiday spirit than the Hulk singing a holiday tune in his Christmas hat.

The Captain Hippo group is brought to us founders Steven Levine, Michael Antonucci and Daniel Spenser.  With their ridiculous antics and the way they command the stage no wonder they have worked with the likes of MTV, The Onion and animator Bill Plympton.

Source: io9 , Captain Hippo

joegarden

Joe Garden, as reported before here on nerdbastards.com,  is picking up the pace and showing up in the press in some unexpected places. I was able to catch up with Joe (of The Onion fame) and get a few words about the campaign for this dark horse of the late night battle in his own words. Read on and when you’re done…I’ve got a treat for ya.


“Vote Joe was started when NBC announced that Leno was leaving Tonight and Conan was sliding into that vacancy. As someone who’s always loved Late Night, and as someone who is tangentially involved with entertainment, we (being myself and my friends Jeff Perry and Chris Pauls) decided that I would throw my hat into the ring and try to land the seat for Late Night. I mean, Conan got it, and he wasn’t exactly a tried and true television personality.

More than anything, it was a good excuse for friends to collaborate and come up with some stupid comedy. So we made a run for it, but never really giving it the commitment we could have. When they announced Jimmy Fallon was going to replace Conan, we just released a statement and packed it in.

Then this Tonight-Jay Leno Show kerfuffle went boom, and people kept asking me about it. And I realized that history had not passed me by. Well, it had, but it did a wide U-Turn and was passing by again, and if I wasn’t a dope, I could grab the reins and ride that fucker into greatness! Or at least a few more jokes.”

Little did Garden know, the press is eating this up and stories are popping up all over the internet, and ahem, especially on nerd culture sites where we know how to root for an underdog!
Click here for your reward…the Official Vote Joe Garden Theme Song! Its by Knuckel Drager and Joe announced the song’s official status on the Vote Joe Garden facebook page.

votejoe

Back in 2005, Joe Garden of The Onion and Aqua Teen Hunger Force fame, campaigned via the web to grab a seat in the late night line-up:

“After it was announced that Conan O’Brien would be taking over Jay Leno’s hosting duties on The Tonight Show, Garden launched a mock Internet campaign titled “Vote Joe Garden!” with the aim of democratizing the selection of O’Brien’s replacement for Late Night. The bid was unsuccessful as NBC announced that Jimmy Fallon would replace O’Brien in 2009.” — Wikipedia

Well, guess what? January 12, 2010 Joe Garden released a communique regarding the recent scandal surrounding Late Night’s unrest. Read it here. Not only that, but the New York Press got Garden talking and it turns out he’s got something pretty insightful to say about the way programming decisions get made.

If you’re interested in joining the ranks of Joe Garden supporters, here’s the official Facebook page to keep you up-to-date on just where all of this will go. I say if you care about comedy as it applies to Late Night TV, Joe is your man to watch.

OnionWoman-Married-R“Every time I get to the part where Edward reveals himself to Bella in the sunlight, I start to cry,” Pastor said. “Edward is so beautiful, his skin begins to sparkle in the sun. The closest Victor ever comes to sparkling is when sweat beads up on his chunky thighs after he’s climbed a flight of stairs.”

That quote comes from today’s The Onion Local section in a story titled Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into ‘Twilight’ Novels. As usual, The Onion captures a snapshot of a would-be Twilight target audience of bored housewives married to Joe Sixpack Vampires who have lost their bloodlust within the marital bed. Oh how we love The Onion.